Miss Super Burrito! (Ch 3) Beauty
MISS SUPER BURRITO!
A Novella
By
Corona Cabronisimo
Traffic oozes through the streets of the barrio.
CLUNK! Vault pole drops to the ground in front of a bus
stop bench.
Cruz plops down on the bench. Beside her sit Lucha Palomino
and her oh-so plain, plump twenty-one year old daughter, Beauty.
Beauty droops with hunched-over posture, breathes with her
mouth open.
Cruz sneaks a peek at Beauty…blesses herself.
Beauty heads to the curb, scoping out the bus’s proximity.
Cruz sticks out her chest, flashes her “2nd
Place” pole vault ribbon. Lucha notices, studies
the pole.
CRUZ
It’s for pole vaulting.
LUCHA
I thought that’s what it was.
Do you vault?
CRUZ
I used to. My daughter’s going
to now. She’s amazing.
(about Beauty)
Does your daughter vault? She
is your daughter?
Beauty approaches the bench, trips over the pole, goes
flying from view…THUMP!
Lucha and Cruz look on.
LUCHA
Would you call that a vault?
CRUZ
She DID get airborne.
LUCHA
Okay, then she can, but
she likes modeling.
Beauty returns, rubs sore knee and shoulder.
BEAUTY
Damn stick.
LUCHA
I’m Lucha and this is Beauty.
Cruz gawks, can’t believe that thing is called Beauty…
CRUZ
I’m Cruz. Pleased to meet you.
LUCHA
My Beauty is also pretty
amazing. She competes in
beauty pageants. I know it
isn’t obvious right now because
she isn’t wearing any make-up,
but when she does —
(sexily)
— hhhhot.
Sweat droplets glide down Beauty’s face.
CRUZ
(sarcastic)
I see.
LUCHA
She hasn’t won anything yet,
though.
CRUZ
Get outta here.
LUCHA
I know, life’s a mystery
sometimes. We’re on our way to
sign her up for the Miss Super
Burrito contest.
Cruz sits up–Lucha’s got her attention.
LUCHA
We figure if they’re looking
for a super burrito, hell, why
not give them one, you know,
until her thyroid functions
properly again.
CRUZ
Can anyone enter this — Super
Burrito contest?
LUCHA
Sure, but she better be
beautiful and classy.
Suddenly, Cruz slaps a hand over her face…
CRUZ
My God! What is that smell?
Are there cows around here?
Lucha leans towards Cruz.
LUCHA
That’s Beauty. She packs
silent heat.
CRUZ
Silent heat?
LUCHA
She farts silencers — like a
lady — classy.
A weird grin forms on Beauty’s face.
CRUZ
Sure she ain’t packing hell?
Lucha’s eyes narrow, she doesn’t like that.
LUCHA
Beauty’s got it all. She’s
meant to be Miss Burrito.
Cruz’s vision blurs…
Beauty transforms into a fat, sweaty, hunched-over burrito
with arms and legs…a “Miss Super Burrito de Pork” sash draped
across her tortilla body.
LUCHA
Are you okay?
Cruz shakes her head, blinks…blinks again.
Beauty returns to her non-burrito-like state.
CRUZ
Yes.
(sarcastic)
She’s meant to be Miss SUPER
Burrito.
LUCHA
Right. SUPER Burrito.
A bus pulls up, its doors open. A surprisingly handsome Bus Driver
sits behind the wheel.
Cruz grabs her pole, follows mother and daughter inside the bus.
BUS DRIVER
I’m sorry, I can’t let you on
with that.
Cruz reluctantly backs out…
CRUZ
(to Lucha)
Where’s the contest being held
at?
LUCHA
At the Super Burrito on King.
BUS DRIVER
Man, it smells like cow shit
around here!
Bus doors slam shut, bus zips away.
CRUZ
(smiles, to herself)
Miss Super Burrito.
**
Back in Alma’s kitchen…
Pit Bull lies on the table, paws up, unconscious.
Alma studies a sheet of paper:
POSSIBLE TRYOUTS FOR ALMA. LOVE MOM
1) Soccer – Fail – Coach having Nike swoosh on forehead
filled in and sanded.
2) Track – No – Got mom’s “ALMOST” gene.
3) Softball – Maybe – Which way is first?
Pit Bull suddenly flips over onto all fours.
ALMA
Heyyy your fine.
He bares his teeth…GRRRRRRROOOOOOOWL!
ALMA
What’s the matter, little fella?
CRACK! The tip of the vault pole slams against Pit Bull’s
skull, knocks him off the table…THUMP!
Alma gawks…
Pit Bull lies on his back unconscious like an effed-up
stuffed animal again.
CRUZ
I’m home!
The rest of the pole appears, followed by Cruz who sets
it on the floor.
CRUZ
Hi.
ALMA
Hi. What happened? They
wouldn’t take it back?
CRUZ
I never made it. They wouldn’t
allow it on the bus.
Alma slowly holds out the list.
ALMA
Pick anything you want, Mom. It’s
time you see me make you proud.
Cruz gently lowers Alma’s hand.
CRUZ
I want you to be Miss Super
Burrito.
Alma doesn’t get it.
CRUZ
It’s a contest for models —
with thyroid problems.
ALMA
A fat girl contest? No way!
Cruz slumps onto a chair, her hopes and dreams dashed.
Alma studies Cruz, studies the phone…
ALMA
Okay, I’ll check it out.
Cruz jumps to her feet like a little girl on Christmas morning.
ALMA
But I’m not promising anything.
CRUZ
Right, just check it out, check
it out.
Cruz’s vision blurs…
Pitbull transforms into a furry soccer ball…
CRUZ
We won’t be needing this anymore!
WHACK! She boots furry soccer ball AKA Pitbull through
the back door.
CRUZ
GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!!!
Cruz smiles at Alma.
ALMA
Almost.
To be continued…
Latino Heart Project's MEXICAN HEART...ATTACK! 
This is a disgrace, and definitely not serving its purpose.
Agreed. Silent heat is scary!!!