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Miss Super Burrito! (Ch 3) Beauty

February 13, 2011

 

                                        

                                      MISS SUPER BURRITO!

                                             A Novella

                                                        By

                                        Corona Cabronisimo

             Traffic oozes through the streets of the barrio.             

             CLUNK!  Vault pole drops to the ground in front of a bus
             stop bench.
 
             Cruz plops down on the bench. Beside her sit Lucha Palomino
             and her oh-so plain, plump twenty-one year old daughter, Beauty.
 
             Beauty droops with hunched-over posture, breathes with her
             mouth open.
 
             Cruz sneaks a peek at Beauty…blesses herself.
 
             Beauty heads to the curb, scoping out the bus’s proximity.
 
             Cruz sticks out her chest, flashes her “2nd
             Place” pole vault ribbon. Lucha notices, studies
             the pole.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           It’s for pole vaulting.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           I thought that’s what it was.
                           Do you vault?
 
                                      CRUZ
                           I used to.  My daughter’s going
                           to now.  She’s amazing.
                                (about Beauty)
                           Does your daughter vault?  She
                           is your daughter?
 
             Beauty approaches the bench, trips over the pole, goes
             flying from view…THUMP!
 
             Lucha and Cruz look on.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Would you call that a vault?
 
                                      CRUZ
                           She DID get airborne.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Okay, then she can, but
                           she likes modeling.
 
             Beauty returns, rubs sore knee and shoulder.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           Damn stick.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           I’m Lucha and this is Beauty.
 
             Cruz gawks, can’t believe that thing is called Beauty…

                                      CRUZ
                           I’m Cruz.  Pleased to meet you.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           My Beauty is also pretty
                           amazing.  She competes in
                           beauty pageants.  I know it
                           isn’t obvious right now because
                           she isn’t wearing any make-up,
                           but when she does —
                                (sexily)
                           — hhhhot.
 
             Sweat droplets glide down Beauty’s face.
 
                                      CRUZ
                                (sarcastic)
                           I see.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           She hasn’t won anything yet,
                           though.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Get outta here.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           I know, life’s a mystery
                           sometimes.  We’re on our way to
                           sign her up for the Miss Super
                           Burrito contest.
 
             Cruz sits up–Lucha’s got her attention.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           We figure if they’re looking
                           for a super burrito, hell, why
                           not give them one, you know,
                           until her thyroid functions
                           properly again.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Can anyone enter this — Super
                           Burrito contest?
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Sure, but she better be
                           beautiful and classy.
 
             Suddenly, Cruz slaps a hand over her face…
 
                                      CRUZ
                           My God!  What is that smell?
                           Are there cows around here?

             Lucha leans towards Cruz.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           That’s Beauty.  She packs
                           silent heat.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Silent heat?
 
                                      LUCHA
                           She farts silencers — like a
                           lady — classy.
 
             A weird grin forms on Beauty’s face.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Sure she ain’t packing hell?
 
             Lucha’s eyes narrow, she doesn’t like that.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Beauty’s got it all.  She’s
                           meant to be Miss Burrito.
 
             Cruz’s vision blurs…
 
             Beauty transforms into a fat, sweaty, hunched-over burrito
             with arms and legs…a “Miss Super Burrito de Pork” sash draped
             across her tortilla body.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Are you okay?
 
             Cruz shakes her head, blinks…blinks again.
 
             Beauty returns to her non-burrito-like state.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Yes.
                                (sarcastic)
                           She’s meant to be Miss SUPER
                           Burrito.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Right.  SUPER Burrito.
 
             A bus pulls up, its doors open. A surprisingly handsome Bus Driver
             sits behind the wheel.
 
             Cruz grabs her pole, follows mother and daughter inside the bus.

                                      BUS DRIVER
                           I’m sorry, I can’t let you on
                           with that.

            Cruz reluctantly backs out… 
 
                                      CRUZ
                                (to Lucha)
                           Where’s the contest being held
                           at?
 
                                      LUCHA
                           At the Super Burrito on King.
 
                                      BUS DRIVER
                           Man, it smells like cow shit
                           around here!
 
             Bus doors slam shut, bus zips away.
 
                                      CRUZ
                                (smiles, to herself)
                           Miss Super Burrito.
 
                                     **
 
             Back in Alma’s kitchen… 
             
             Pit Bull lies on the table, paws up, unconscious.
 
             Alma studies a sheet of paper:
 
                     POSSIBLE TRYOUTS FOR ALMA.  LOVE MOM 
             
             1) Soccer – Fail – Coach having Nike swoosh on forehead
             filled in and sanded.
 
             2) Track – No – Got mom’s “ALMOST” gene.
 
             3) Softball – Maybe – Which way is first?
 
             Pit Bull suddenly flips over onto all fours.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Heyyy your fine.
 
             He bares his teeth…GRRRRRRROOOOOOOWL!
 
                                      ALMA
                           What’s the matter, little fella?
 
             CRACK!  The tip of the vault pole slams against Pit Bull’s
             skull, knocks him off the table…THUMP!

             Alma gawks…
 
             Pit Bull lies on his back unconscious like an effed-up
             stuffed animal again.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           I’m home!
 
             The rest of the pole appears, followed by Cruz who sets
             it on the floor.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Hi.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Hi.  What happened?  They
                           wouldn’t take it back?
 
                                      CRUZ
                           I never made it.  They wouldn’t
                           allow it on the bus.
 
             Alma slowly holds out the list.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Pick anything you want, Mom.  It’s
                           time you see me make you proud.
 
             Cruz gently lowers Alma’s hand.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           I want you to be Miss Super
                           Burrito.
 
             Alma doesn’t get it.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           It’s a contest for models —
                           with thyroid problems.
 
                                      ALMA
                           A fat girl contest?  No way!
 
             Cruz slumps onto a chair, her hopes and dreams dashed.
 
             Alma studies Cruz, studies the phone…
 
                                      ALMA
                           Okay, I’ll check it out.
 
             Cruz jumps to her feet like a little girl on Christmas morning.
 
                                      ALMA
                           But I’m not promising anything.

                                      CRUZ
                           Right, just check it out, check
                           it out.
                               
            Cruz’s vision blurs…

            Pitbull transforms into a furry soccer ball…
                 
                                      CRUZ
                            We won’t be needing this anymore!

            WHACK! She boots furry soccer ball AKA Pitbull through
            the back door.

                                      CRUZ
             GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!!!

             Cruz smiles at Alma.

                                      ALMA
             Almost.  
            

To be continued…

*No part of this novella may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the author.    
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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Javier Gorgez permalink
    February 14, 2011 2:42 am

    This is a disgrace, and definitely not serving its purpose.

    • MEXICAN HEART...ATTACK! permalink*
      February 14, 2011 8:01 am

      Agreed. Silent heat is scary!!!

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