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Chicacabra Reloaded (Ch 8) Abuela’s Bucket List

August 7, 2011

CHICACABRA RELOADED

A Telenovela on Crack

By

Yoly Solis

Based on the Novel CHICACABRA  

 **

           Somewhere in Hialeah…
 
             Uni-Brow chico reluctantly approaches the lifeless, covered
             body. He snatches a pair of pliers off a work table, and
             with its tongs, tears off the blanket. The black hood still
             covers the face.
 
             Vein-ridden wrists are firmly duct-taped to the chair’s
             armrests. No movement.
 
             Scarface Wannabe snaps his fingers.
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Do it, already.
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           Okay, okay…
 
             Uni-Brow points the pliers at the hood, clamps it on the
             hood’s tip, yanks if off…
 
             Abuela’s blue-gray hair is an Einstein-like mess.
 
                                      ABUELA
                           Ouch! Come mierda! Jou pull my
                           hair out.
 
             Uni-Brow jumps back, horrified.
 
             Abuela’s cataract-ridden eyes look around, gets her bearings.
 
                                      ABUELA
                           This place is dump. They
                           transfer me to cheap home
                           again. Get me phone; I call
                           AARP.
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Gag her. Tie her feet, too.
 
             Uni-Brow’s eyes widen.
 
             Abuela looks him over…looks Scarface Wannabe over.
 
                                      ABUELA
                           Ah, jou strippers?

                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           What?
 
                                      ABUELA
                           Jess…dance for me. After jou
                           change my diaper.
 
             She gyrates hairless, painted-on eyebrows, and…
 
             Crosses her legs in her signature, Sharon Stone move.
 
             AAAAAH!!! Chico horror screams echo in the darkness.
 
                                      **
 
             
             Chica clan sits smashed together on a tacky, flowered sofa.
             Burly chico detective scans a document. Manny stands next
             to him.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           It’s a prank.
 
                                      GISELA
                           How can it be a prank? Where’s
                           abuela?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           I would ask you that same
                           question.
 
                                      GISELA
                           The ransom note is signed by
                           the Hialeah Mafia.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Hialeah Mafia is an urban
                           legend.
 
                                      GISELA
                           But you said–
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           I say a lot of things.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Waaaah!
 
                                      MANNY
                           Look detective, someone
                           kidnapped abuela. We only have
                           twenty-four hours to pay them
                           their money and give them Paco.

                           Gisela doesn’t have the money,
                           and certainly doesn’t have
                           Paco, so you need to help us.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           I think it’s a ploy to get the
                           jury to sympathize with Mrs.
                           Perez.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           You Fascist Communist!
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           You got your own problems,
                           Rambo, Jr. Assault on a on a police
                           officer, remember? I suggest
                           you zip that mouth shut.
 
             Cristina growls like a rabid dog.

                                        

                                                                                                 **
 
             Back at Juana’s Condo…
 
             Juana lounges at the kitchen counter, sips wine. Paco fries
             plantains.
 
                                      PACO
                           We’re leaving tonight.
 
                                      JUANA
                           Uh-huh.
 
                                      PACO
                           After dinner, you’re packing
                           your bags. The taxi is picking
                           us up at ten.
 
             She flips through a magazine.
 
                                      JUANA
                           I only travel first class. And
                           I only stay at five-star hotels.
 
             Paco sets a full plate in front of her.
 
                                      PACO
                           Your favorite dinner. Te amo,
                           baby.
 
             She snorts in the dinner’s aroma, picks up her fork.
 
                                      JUANA
                           Show me the tickets.

                                      PACO
                           Huh?
 
                                      JUANA
                           The plane tickets–to Hawaii.
 
                                      PACO
                           You don’t trust me?
 
                                      JUANA
                           I trust you as much as you
                           trust me.
 
                                      PACO
                           Eat your dinner.
 
             She stabs a pork chunk, slides it around the plate.
 
                                      JUANA
                           Why did you cook dinner?
 
                                      PACO
                           Because you never cook.
 
                                      JUANA
                           I may not cook, but my stove is
                           always on fire.
 
                                      PACO
                           Yes, it is. Now, eat.
 
             She smiles, scoops up a forkful, circles it around Paco’s
             mouth.
 
                                      JUANA
                           If I’m gonna be a queen, then
                           someone should taste my food
                           before I eat it.
 
             Paco zips his mouth shut like a kid refusing broccoli…
 
                                      JUANA
                           C’mon, open wide.
 
                                      PACO
                           I already ate.
 
             She slams the loaded fork on the kitchen counter.
 
                                      JUANA
                           You’re trying to drug me to get
                           me on that plane!

                                      PACO
                           Paco Perez does not drug a
                           woman. Woman die for Paco
                           Perez, King of the Jungle.
 
             She marches towards the briefcase atop Paco’s
             luggage…tries to open it.
 
             He snatches it from her hand.
 
                                      PACO
                           I wouldn’t take you with me if
                           you were the last chica left in
                           Miami.
 
             He storms to the door, flings it open, and disappears.
 
             She waits.
 
             He swings open the door.
 
                                      PACO
                           You have no idea. None. Of what
                           you’ll be missing.
 
             Slams the door.
 
             She glances at her watch, waits.
 
             Door swings open yet again.
 
                                      PACO
                           Your tears won’t affect me.
                           Your regret won’t touch my soul.
 
             Slams the door.
 
                                      JUANA
                           We’ll see who regrets what,
                           idiota.
 
                                     **
 
             Back in Hialeah…
 
             The situation remains scary…for the thugs.

                                      ABUELA
                           No problema, I tie myself up. I
                           play with jou.
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           Make her stop! Make her stop!

                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Gag her.
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           No way, mang…those dentures
                           can chop off a finger.
 
             Abuela closes her eyes; drops her head back.
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           She dead?
 
             With hope in his eyes, he approaches her limp body.
             Suddenly, she opens her eyes…
 
                                      ABUELA
                           I am ready.
 
             He trips over his feet as he races away.
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           For what?
 
                                      ABUELA
                           La violacion.
 
             She closes her eyes again. Thugs share a look.
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Nobody’s gonna rape you, vieja.
 
                                      ABUELA
                           Porque?
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           Porque? Porque no way!
 
                                      ABUELA
                           How dare jou…jou gay…jou
                           little gay pajaritos.
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Oye, vieja de mierda, you know
                           who you talking to?
 
                                      ABUELA
                           To little gay pajaritos who
                           bend over and–
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           Shoot her! Shoot her now!

                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Okay, vieja…listen. You don’t
                           want to die, do you?
 
                                      ABUELA
                           Jou have an obligation to
                           violarme. In the Old Country,
                           all kidnapped women are
                           violadas.
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           This is the United States of
                           America. We are under no
                           obligation to rape you.
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           How much longer?
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                                (checks his watch)
                           Eighteen hours, forty-two
                           minutes, thirty-one seconds.
 
                                      ABUELA
                           How can jou do this to poor,
                           defenseless vieja?
                            Eighty-seven jeers on this
                           earth and not once–ninguna
                           vez–me han violado.
 
             Thugs moan.
 
                                      ABUELA
                           Almost everyone in my family
                           has been violada–even Tio
                           Mario when he was in prison.
                           And now, I am kidnapped, with
                           two men, que son casi
                           pajaritos–
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Oye, vieja–
 
                                      ABUELA
                           And nothing. What will I tell
                           my amigas, my familia? I will
                           die in shame.
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           You’ll die anyway.

                                      ABUELA
                           So will jou. Jou conscience
                           will be heavy because jou no do
                           little favor for a poor vieja.
 
                                      SCARFACE WANNABE
                           Okay, vieja…let’s try to get
                           through this. Just tell
                           everybody you were raped–no
                           pasa nada.
 
                                      ABUELA
                           Jou think people are stupid? I
                           need DNA. Everyone watch CSI
                           Miami.
 
                                      UNI-BROW CHICO
                           Shoot her! Shoot her now!

To be continued…

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