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Chicacabra Reloaded (Ch 5) Leopard Leggings

July 4, 2011

 

CHICACABRA RELOADED

A Telenovela on Crack

By

Yoly Solis

Based on the Novel CHICACABRA

            The chicas hop out of the van, Gisela wears black from head
             to toe.
 
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           Padre Roberto say you can get a
                           divorce–you won’t get
                           excommunicated.
 
             They head to Gisela’s front door.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Marriage is sacred. If you’re
                           divorced, you can’t receive
                           Communion ever again. Besides,
                           I’m probably a widow anyway.
 
             Sirens wail.
 
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           There must be a million
                           divorced people receiving
                           communion–we see them every
                           Sunday.
 
             Sirens come closer–so close that…
 
                                      GISELA
                           What did you say, Tia?
 
             A police car screeches into the driveway.
 
                                      GISELA
                           They must have found Paco!
 
             Gisela girly jogs to the cop car, leaves behind the safety
             of the chica pod…
 
             Two chico cops get out. One approaches; the other stays
             behind.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Ay, officer, have you found my
                           Paco? Is he okay?
 
                                      CHICO COP
                           Are you Gisela Perez?
 
                                      GISELA
                           Yes, officer…where is he? Is
                           my Paco safe?
 
             Cop snatches her arm, encircles her wrists with plastic
             handcuffs.

                                      CHICO COP
                           Gisela Perez, you have the
                           right to remain silent–
 
                                      GISELA
                           What…what are you doing?
 
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Animales! Salvajes!
 
             Suddenly, like a crackling fire, Cristina jumps on the
             cop’s back…
 
             She chokes him, pokes his eyes with her multi-colored
             acrylics, bites his neck, leaving a hickey behind. He screams.
 
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           Run, Gisela, run!
 
             Cop loses his balance; he topples over, taking Cristina
             with him. They’re both sprawled on the ground. Cop tries to
             get up…
 
                                      CRISTINA
                                (to Maria Elena)
                           Hold him down! Hold him down!
 
             Cristina manages to slide out from under big blue..grabs
             the taser gun from his belt…
 
             Maria Elena hovers over the cop…What to do, what to do?
             She finally figures it out and…
 
             SPLAT! She sits on him.
 
             Chico cop road kill.
 
             Chico cop’s partner is pissed; stomps towards Cristina..
 
             She pulls the taser’s trigger and…
 
             He dances a wild conga…drops like a sack of cement.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           Aha! Take that!
 
             Wailing police cars screech to a halt…a small army
             tackles Cristina to the ground…

 
             Tiny, golden stilettos stick out of a mass of writhing,
             dark blue.

                                      **

            

            Grafitti stains a faded cement wall. Inquisition-like benches circle its
             drab interior. Iron bars encase County hospitality.
 
             The chicas sit huddled together–except Cristina, who
             stands in the corner eying a Chica prostitute.
 
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Are they going to deport us?
 
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           They know we’re legal. I think.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Then what do they want?
 
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           You heard them. It’s about Paco.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Then he has to be okay. Thank
                           the Good Lord.
 
             Even Chica Prostitute moans.
 
             A Guard strolls by the cell…Gisela races towards him.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Guard, please…I need
                           spiritual counseling.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           What about a phone call, huh?
                           You people are as bad as the
                           Old Country secret police–you
                           fascist communists!
 
                                      GUARD
                           Make up your mind–fascist or
                           communist? Can’t have both.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           Same shit, you fascist
                           communist!
                                (grabs bars)
                           This is a free country, idiota!
 
                                      GISELA
                           Please, guard…officer, is
                           there a phone I can use?
 
 
             LATER…
 
             Chica prostitute wears leopard-print leggings, a Lycra top.
             Cleavage bulges up and out ’cause it has nowhere else to go.

             Cristina moves in…
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           I got a pair of leggings just
                           like those.


 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           Hmm.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           Got ’em at la vente y la vente.
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           Me, too. That’s my territory.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           Really? I shop there a lot–
                           never seen you before.
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           I’m not conspicuous. I’m good
                           at what I do.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           That’s why you’re in here, huh?
 
             Chica prostitute flashes a dirty look.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           So…you got a pimp?
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           I’m self employed.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           Yeah, who needs a pimp, right?
 
             Shrug.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           How did you start…your
                           business?
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           Usual. Young, stupid, bad
                           boyfriends, greedy pimp. You
                           know.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           I hear you…been there.
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           Yeah? You don’t look it.

                                      CRISTINA
                           Pfft. I’ve been known to hang
                           out with a bad crowd.
 
             Chica prostitute eyes the chicas…Gisela prays, Tia and
             Maria Elena pretend to pray, also.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           So, how do you get your
                           um…clients? You stand on a
                           street corner?
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           I’m not gonna give you my sales
                           technique. It’s worth a lot of
                           money.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           Oh, yeah…sure.
 
             Cristina sits next to her…
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           You got medical, dental? Are
                           you vested in your 401K? Do
                           you–
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           What do I look like? A puta
                           handbook? Why should I tell you
                           anything?
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           You’re right. Unless you’re
                           interested in taking a novice
                           under your wing–for a fee, of
                           course.
 
             Chica prostitute eyes her carefully.
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           Like a madam?
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           I didn’t say I was interested.
                           But I may know somebody.
 
             Chica prostitute looks her over…this time with
             calculating eyes. Cristina tries her best puta pose–it’s
             awful.
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           Some clients like to be slapped
                           around.

                                      CRISTINA
                           They do?
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           And poked, prodded, screamed
                           at–it’s kinda fun.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                           I bet.
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           They like little ones–like
                           you. Mean, sadistic.
 
                                      CRISTINA
                                (her first smile)
                           Yeah?
 
                                      CHICA PROSTITUTE
                           You got a resume?
 
 
                                        **
 
             
             Guard unlocks the door leading to the main holding area.
 
             Padre Roberto follows; he looks different, younger…oh
             yeah, he’s smiling.
 
                                      PADRE ROBERTO
                           The message said it was urgent.
                           Death row?
 
                                      GUARD
                           Uh…
 
                                      PADRE ROBERTO
                           No, don’t tell me. Surprise me.
 
             Guard shakes his head…Padre follows his quick pace down a
             hallway.
 
                                      PADRE ROBERTO
                           Armed robbery? Assault? Yes,
                           with a deadly weapon…uh-huh,
                           uh-huh.
 
             Padre slaps his chest.
 
                                      PADRE ROBERTO
                           My heart is beating out its
                           chest; I can’t believe I’ll
                           absolve a sinner–a real sinner.

             They pass cell after cell stuffed with hardened criminals.
             Padre waves hello.
 
                                      PADRE ROBERTO
                           This is so exciting. Deep
                           breaths…deep breaths.
 
             They turn a corner, face a cell…
 
                                      GISELA
                           Ay Padre…thank you for coming
                           in my darkest hour!
 
             Shock. Awe. Tears well in Padre’s eyes.
 
                                      **
 
             Gisela sits alone in the cramped, window-less room, facing
             a mirrored wall. She closes her eyes, mumbles a Hail Mary.
 
             Door swings open. A burly Chico Detective struts inside.
 
             Gisela jumps up to greet him…
 
                                      GISELA
                           Have you found my Paco? Is he
                           okay?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Am I going to have to handcuff
                           you to the table?
 
             Gisela retreats like a scolded little girl.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Tell me he’s alright, please.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           So you don’t know where Paco is.
 
                                      GISELA
                           You don’t either? Dios mio,
                           what are we going to do?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           You’re in a lot of trouble,
                           Mrs. Perez.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Ay, si…I can’t live without
                           my Paco.
 
             Detective sits; eyes locked on Gisela…

                                      DETECTIVE
                           Where do you think Paco is?
 
                                      GISELA
                           Lost at sea somewhere, but the
                           Coast Guard won’t look for him.
                           He’s with Pepe, the roofer.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Pepe is in the interrogation
                           room next door.
 
             Inside the neighboring interrogation room…
 
             “Doctor” Pepe, still in his lab coat, sits handcuffed to a table
           
             Back in Gisela’s interrogation room…
 
                                      GISELA
                           That’s wonderful! Did Pepe tell
                           you where Paco is?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           He’s in a lot of trouble, too.
 
                                      GISELA
                           But he must know, he–
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Tell me about the Happy Woman
                           Clinic.
 
             Pause…
 
                                      GISELA
                           What do you want to know?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           You’re the owner; tell me how
                           you run the clinic. Explain a
                           typical day.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Well, in reality, Paco runs the
                           clinic…I just do the billing.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Then why is the clinic in your
                           name. You’re listed as the
                           owner.
 
             Confusion, confusion…

                                      DETECTIVE
                           And what about the Alpha Male
                           Urology Clinic?
 
                                      GISELA
                           Well, I do the billing for that
                           clinic, too. What has that got
                           to do with–
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           So you’re aware these clinics
                           don’t have doctors on staff?
 
                                      GISELA
                           What?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Doctors, you know, licensed
                           professionals who provide
                           medical services.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Don’t be silly, of course the
                           clinics have doctors. How else
                           can clinics be clinics then?
 
             Detective stares into her eyes…she returns a blank, empty
             stare…like a deer looking at the barrel of a rifle.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           So you have no knowledge that
                           perverts pay you to play doctor
                           on the clinic’s patients?
 
             Confusion…shock…
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           And on top of that, you bill
                           Medicare, Medicaid and
                           insurance for these so-called
                           professional services.
 
             She shakes her head…
 
                                      GISELA
                           I don’t understand.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           You don’t understand that
                           perverts pay you good money to
                           pose as gynecologists and
                           urologists on real-life
                           patients?

             Her jaw drops.
 
                                      GISELA
                           That’s not possible.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Where did the money come from
                           to finance these clinics?
 
                                      GISELA
                           Paco took out a loan about–
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           The Hialeah Mafia. That’s your
                           business partner.
 
                                      GISELA
                           Isn’t the Hialeah Mafia an
                           urban legend?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           You don’t think the Hialeah
                           Mafia exists?
 
                                      GISELA
                           Well, no.
 
             Detective slides a sheet of paper across the desk.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Tell me about these properties.
 
             She looks at the page. Nothing registers.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           Part of a mortgage fraud ring
                           run by the Hialeah mafia. Each
                           property is in your name, and
                           they all happen to be in
                           foreclosure.
 
             She looks at the detective, back to the page, back to
             detective…her lips tremble…
 
             WAAAH!
 
             Door swings open.
 
             Manny rushes in like the Lone Ranger to save Tonto.
 
                                      MANNY
                           No more questions until I have
                           a chance to confer with my
                           client.

             Detective shrugs.
 
                                      MANNY
                                (to Gisela)
                           Are you okay?
 
             Tears, mascara, false eyelashes, eyebrows… stream down her face.
             He hands her a handkerchief.
 
                                      MANNY
                           Why didn’t Mrs. Perez get a
                           phone call?
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           She got her call–called a
                           priest instead of an attorney.
                           Go figure.
 
                                      MANNY
                           Give us a minute, detective.
 
                                      DETECTIVE
                           She’s a good actress. Wonder
                           how much longer she can keep it
                           up.
 
             Detective searches her face one more time before closing
             the door.
 
                                      GISELA
                           I still don’t know if my Paco
                           is alive. Waaaah!
 
                                      MANNY
                           Gisela, there’s something I
                           need to tell you.
 
             Gisela blows her nose…
 
                                      MANNY
                           Paco purchased two, first-
                           class, one-way tickets to the
                           Amazon Jungle.
 
             Pause…
 
                                      GISELA
                           Two tickets?
 
             He nods.
 
                                      GISELA
                           One way?

             Nods again.
 
                                      GISELA
                           He always dreamed of becoming
                           Tarzan, King of the Jungle…
                            
                           I’d better ask to see Padre
                           Roberto again. I think my soul
                           is in peril.

            To be continued…

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