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Chicacabra Reloaded (Ch 4) Idiota Times Two

June 11, 2011


A Telenovela on Crack


Yoly Solis

Based on the Novel CHICACABRA

             A palm frond slaps an oversized sign…YEYO’S CHEAP CARS
             Graffiti distracts from its distressed, seen-better-days lettering.
             The lot is stuffed with distressed, seen-better-days automobiles.
             Nevertheless, colorful, tattered flags surround it with pride.
             A flashy, rapper-mogel Hummer pulls into the dealership.
             Moments later…
             A white, beat-up, previously-owned Toyota…a “Mio Tio
             Driving School” sign strapped to its roof, drives out.

             That night, outside Juana La Caliente’s Miami Beach Condo…
             Juana parks her BMW in front of an art deco, five-story
             condo. She heads to the stairs, past dense vegetation
             Ducks behind a banana plant, shoves a leaf aside.
             A Mi Tio Driving School Toyota sits parked across the street.
             A big man overwhelms the front seat; binoculars plastered on his face…his
             bald head gleams in the moonlight…
                                Secret agent idiota.
             Paco slides out of the Toyota…Gleaming bald head bobs
             back and forth, back and forth, searching…
             Juana smirks…exits the greenery and struts…
             Slowly, seductively, bends over to adjust her strap-py
             sandal during the long walk upstairs.

             The mourners are gone except for the chica clan. They
             circle the kitchen table, watching Gisela cry–again.
             Photos lie scattered among discarded tissue.
                                (sniff, sniff)
                           There must be some mistake.
             The chicas are bored; they’ve been here before.
                           These pictures weren’t taken
                           last week.

                           Look at the bright side…he
                           might be dead.
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           He’s not dead. His boat never
                           left the dock. He ran off with
                           a puta.
                           He loves me, Tia, with all his
                           heart. I know it. But he’s in
                           trouble–I can feel it. We
                           should call the police and file
                           a missing person’s report.
             The chicas look at each other.
             Gisela slaps on her veil.
                           I’m going to church to speak to
                           Padre Roberto. Then I’ll go to
                           the police station and file a
                           missing person’s report.
             With determination, she stomps towards the kitchen door,
             grabs the door handle…
             And waits.
             The chicas look away.
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                                (nudges Maria Elena)
                           Go with her.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                                (to Cristina)
                           You go.
                           I’m not going.
                           I’m going to church to speak to
                           Padre Roberto and then I’m
                           going to the police station to
                           file a missing person’s report.

             The chicas don’t budge.
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           Gisela, come here. We should
                           talk about this some more.
                           I need to find him, Tia. I love
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           I know, mija. We’ll find him,
                           you’ll see. Now sit, I’ll make
                           sopa de pollo.
             Gisela lumbers back, misery latched onto her shoulders. She
             plops back in her chair.
             Tia opens the refrigerator.
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           Cristina, come here and help me
                           chop the sofrito.
                           Me? I’m allergic to garlic.
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           Come here…now.
             Cristina reluctantly sticks her head in the refrigerator.
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           Go see Manny; tell him to get a
                           detective to track down the
                           puta’s license plate.
                           Manny? You mean that serial
                           killer widower from church?
                                      TIA MARGARITA
                           He’s a criminal attorney, boba.
                           He can find Paco. Take Maria
                           Elena with you and don’t say a
                           word to Gisela.
                           Aha! So he’s a criminal
                           attorney. He must be connected
                           to the Hialeah Mafia.

             Manny sits behind a disheveled, cluttered desk. Stacks of
             files overflow into every crevice; the phone won’t stop
             He stands to greet Cristina and Maria Elena.
                           Nice to see you. Please, have a
                                (moves files off
                                 guest chairs)
                           Sorry…my receptionist is on…
                           We’re not here to play nicey
                           nice. I have a machete in my
             She pats a copper-studded purse half her size.
             Confusion, confusion…
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Pay no attention, Manny. She’s
                           una idiota.
                           The only idiota is the person
                           who trusts a killer.
             Maria Elena sits down; Cristina stands by the door in
             Even more confusion.
                           What can I do for you ladies?
                           You can tell us where you hid
                           the murder weapon.
                           Murder weapon?
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Shut up, Cristina! Manny, we’re
                           here because Paco is missing.
                           Paco? Gisela’s Paco?

             Maria Elena digs inside her purse, hands over the photos.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           He’s with this woman–here’s
                           her license number. We need you
                           to find him.
             Manny sifts through the photos; his frown grows.
                           I’m not a private investigator.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           You work with investigators. We
                           know you can track him down.
                           Why isn’t Gisela here?
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           She doesn’t know we’re here.
                           I can’t help you.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Gisela thinks Paco is lost at
                           sea or dead. You’re going to
                           let her believe that?
                           She saw these photos? And still
                           thinks he’s lost or dead?
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           The only way she’ll accept the
                           truth is if she sees them
                           together. And if you get us the
                           puta’s address, we’ll make sure
                           that happens.
                           And after she sees the truth,
                           will she leave him?
             Cristina stomps forward.
                           Never. Gisela won’t divorce
                           Paco. She thinks she’ll get

                           Why would she think that?
                           God only knows what Padre
                           Roberto tells her inside that
                           confessional–he’s so militant.
                           If Gisela asks me for help,
                           I’ll do it. Otherwise, I can’t
                           do anything without her consent.
             Cristina leans into him…
                           High and mighty attorney and
                           look at this dump–a cover for
                           the Hialeah mafia no doubt. We
                           should find a real attorney
                           with good furniture.
                           Hialeah mafia? Look, my clients
                           aren’t rich. Most of the time
                           they can’t afford to pay me.
             Maria Elena slaps Cristina away.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Well, thanks anyway, Manny.
                           We’ll try to convince Gisela…
             Maria Elena stands, but…
             The chair’s armrests are stuck to her hips.
             An epic struggle erupts…it’s damn ugly…
                           Would you like fries with that?
                           How about we super size your
                           order? How about a mamey shake?
                           Let’s have some dulce de leche
                           with your pan con lechon.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Shut up, Cristina!
             Manny shuffles back and forth; he looks horrified.

             GRUNT! GRUNT! Maria Elena fights the armrest, her face
             glows red, sweat pours freely…painful to watch (unless
             you’re Cristina)
             WHOOSH! Caged butt finally set free.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                                (to Manny, out of
                           Keep the photos–we’ll find a
                           way to get Gisela to come see
                           You okay? Can I get you some
                           Nah, just give her a dozen
                           pastries and a malta con leche
                           condensada…to go.
                                      MARIA ELENA
                           Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
             The chicas storm out, the argument floats through the
             Manny scans the photos. He stares at Paco’s shameless grin.

To be continued…


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