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Corporate Jungle (Ch 13) Booty Squeeze

May 14, 2011

                                                CORPORATE JUNGLE

                                                             A Novella

                                                                    By

                                                            Yoly Solis

             The jungle awakens screaming as if startled by the rising
             sun–either that or it’s hungover and very angry.
 
             Horatio still lies on the ground, eyes half-open. He’s
             staring up at…
 
             Chuck, Janice and José…they’re hanging above the piranha
             pond like upside-down pinatas…
 
             A life-saving rope–fashioned as a pulley–extends from
             their ankles to a steel hook, drilled into a tree. Sober
             guerrillero stands by for the order.
 
             The partying guerrilleros are either passed out or
             thoroughly wasted.
 
                                      JOSÉ
                           It was nice knowing jou,
                           Chocolate.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Same here, José.
 
                                      JANICE
                                (to Generalisimo)
                           You can’t do this to us! You
                           have no right to–

                                      CHUCK
                           Let’s spend our last moments in
                           peace, Janice.
 
                                      JOSÉ
                          Jess. Please cállate…por favor.
 
                                      JANICE
                           You can’t tell me to shut up. I
                           refuse to shut up for anyone. I–
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           What an annoying Yankee Doodle
                           woman. No wonder she is not
                           married.
 
             Indignation, indignation…
 
             RING, RING…Generalisimo picks up the satellite phone.
 
                                      JANICE
                                (to Generalisimo)
                           How dare you. You animal. You–
 
             Chuck grabs her hand in mid-air.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Janice, if you weren’t in love
                           with Horatio, and if we weren’t
                           going to die in a few
                           minutes…I think I could love
                           you.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Wha–? You love me?
 
                                      CHUCK
                           I said I COULD love you.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Same thing.
 
                                      JOSÉ
                           No, not same thing.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Yes, yes it is. We can’t die now,
                           can we?
 
             Chuck kisses her hand…she melts. Suddenly, determination
             takes over, her eyes go wild…searching,
             searching…something catches her eye–even though
             everything is upside-down…

             Generalisimo hangs up the phone…heads back to his captives.
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           The money has arrived. Appears
                           as if all of you will be
                           traveling together.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Uh…Generalisimo?
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           Yes, annoying Yankee Doodle
                           woman?
 
                                      JANICE
                           Umm, I think your hair is
                           flat again.
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           This damn humidity!
 
             He marches to the table of discarded weapons where hair gel
             and José’s chili pepper spray sit. He snatches the hair
             spray…
 
             PSSSSST!


           
            Horror SCREAM echoes through the jungle.

                                       **
 
             Bandages cover Generalisimo’s eyes, he wraps his fingers
             around a machine gun …points the barrel at guerrillero in
             charge of the captive’s life-saving rope…
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           I want you to die slowly. I
                           want you to suffer…then
                           suffer some more…Yankee
                           Doodle woman from the bowels of
                           Satan’s lair!
 
             Guerrillero tip-toes away…joins his drunken compadres.
 
                                      CAPITÁN
                           I see you have met the most
                           annoying woman in the Western
                           Hemisphere.
 
             Capitán points a gun; Generalisimo’s monkey leads Capitán
             by a rope towards the clearing. Monkey releases grip on
             rope, parks next to Generalisimo.
 
             Janice is about to say…Chuck clamps a hand over her mouth.

                                      GENERALISIMO
                           Hermano, is that you?
 
                                      CAPITÁN
                                (facing tree)
                           It is enough, hermano. No more
                           killing.
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                                (facing monkey)
                           Why would I listen to you? You
                           abandoned me in my darkest hour.
 
             Monkey races off.
 
                                      CAPITÁN
                           I couldn’t go to Vegas for your
                           audition–my gallstones.
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           Gallstones. Hmmp. You’ve always
                           been ashamed of me.
 
                                      CAPITÁN
                                (turns, faces wrong
                                 way yet again)
                           Ashamed? You were papa’s
                           favorite. I was jealous.
 
             Horatio drags himself towards the rope…slowly lifts
             himself up…reaches for the loop…
 
             Generalisimo waves his gun…
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           Jealous?! I am the bastard son.
                           You hate me.
 
             Capitán follows his voice…also waves his gun…
 
                                      CAPITÁN
                           I don’t hate you, hermano. I,
                           uh, I love you…in a macho,
                           brotherly way.
 
             Horatio slides off the rope loop, tugs at the pulley…the
             trio unfasten their ankles, climb down…
 
             Monkey climbs up the piranha pond rope.
 
             A tear runs down Generalisimo’s cheek…
 
             A tear runs down Capitán’s cheek…

             Sniff, sniff…
 
             The captives are freed.
 
                                      CAPITÁN
                           You must stop the killing,
                           hermano. Papa would want you to.
 
             Chuck half-carries Horatio…they tip-toe away…
 
             Generalisimo snorts in a tear, faces away from Capitan…
 
                                      GENERALISIMO
                           Esta bien, hermano. After this
                           one. I got paid already. And
                           the annoying woman, too. Then
                           I’m done. I promise.
 
                                      CAPITÁN
                           I can understand the annoying
                           woman, but not the innocent man.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Why does everybody hate me?
 
             GROAN!!!
 
             Generalisimo points the revolver, cocks the
             trigger…Janice freezes…
 
             BLAM!
 
             The bullet hits the rope…monkey leaps to safety just
             before the line hits the carnivorous pond…
 
             BLAM!
 
             Bullet shrieks towards Janice…Chuck reaches for her,
             pulls her out of range just in time…
 
             BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! They run, duck…Horatio groans…
 
             BLAM!
 
             Suddenly…
 
             BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP…
 
             Fierce wind blows…everyone looks up…
 
             Helicopters swarm the skies…
 
             The first helicopter drops low…

             A man, shirtless, bandanna tied around his head a la Rambo,
             except…
 
             He’s sports gray hair. Horatio’s dad, demented Donald
             Samson.
 
             He carries a serious machine gun…sprays the camp before
             jumping out…rolls on the ground like a pro…

             He struts forward in his best Rambo Badass stride…in
             disguise…

            
 
                                      HORATIO
                           Dad?
 
             Helicopter lands…Gloria Sampson hops out wearing a
             camouflage Chanel suit, camouflage Chanel bag…
 
             Mr. Samson sprays the camp with bullets
             again…guerrilleros dive to the ground.
 
             For-hire Special Ops Militia jump out by the
             dozen…surround Generalisimo and guerrilleros.
 
                                      GLORIA SAMSON
                                (to Horatio)
                           Hello, dear, we came as soon as
                           we could, darling. Are you okay?
 
             Medics hop out, load Horatio on a stretcher, carry him to
             the helicopter…
 
                                      HORATIO
                           Janice!
 
             He reaches for her hand…she grabs it…
 
                                      HORATIO
                           Janice, I don’t want to be an
                           idiot anymore. You’re the woman
                           I need. Marry me.
 
             Her jaw drops, she glances at Chuck…he looks
             away…Horatio is shoved inside the helicopter.
 
             Faux Rambo Samson approaches Janice…
 
                                      DONALD SAMSON
                           Sorry about all this, Janice. I
                           had no choice. You’ll get a
                           nice bonus in your paycheck.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Mr. Samson? You know who I am?

                                      DONALD SAMSON
                           Of course I do. My mental fart
                           act was the only way to to
                           prove what J.B. was doing. I
                           knew once I transferred my
                           shares to Horatio, he’d make a
                           move. But I had to wait until
                           the money was wired to
                           Generalisimo’s account.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           You haven’t changed one bit,
                           Donald…you’re a ruthless
                           S.O.B. But this stunt is your
                           S.O.B. crowning achievement.
                           Your son almost got killed.
 
                                      DONALD SAMSON
                           The boy needed to grow some
                           cojones. His mother coddled him
                           as a boy… You used to carry a
                           heavy pair, Chuck. What the
                           hell happened to you?
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Happiness isn’t about power–
                           it’s about love.
 
             Janice eyes him…
 
                                      DONALD SAMSON
                           I agree. Love…love of power.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           When you go to hell,
                           Donald…Satan will run away
                           screaming.
 
                                      DONALD SAMSON
                           He better. Only room for one
                           boss in hell. Need a ride?
 
                                      CHUCK
                           No thanks.
 
             Faux Rambo grabs his wife’s arm, heads to a helicopter.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Chuck…I just want to say,
                           thank you…for everything.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           You’d better go. Helicopter’s
                           waiting.

             She nods…jumps in the helicopter with Horatio and his
             Mom…it takes off…her eyes never leave Chuck as it
             climbs to the sky.
 
             José hands Chuck a bottle…Chuck chugs a deep swallow.
 
                                      JOSÉ
                           I sorry, Chocolate.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Yeah. Let’s go, amigo.
 
             They walk away as the special ops team cleans house.

                                                            **
 
             Inside a plush, expensive hotel suite…suitcases stand
             by the door.
 
             Janice has shed her jungle wardrobe for a proper business
             suit. She speaks into the phone…
 
             Edna’s Apartment:
 
             Edna sits at her keyboard, sips a martini…
 
                                      EDNA
                           Sounds like you got everything
                           you wanted.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Yeah. Everything I wanted.
 
                                      EDNA
                           Did he squeeze your booty?

                                      JANICE
                           Horatio can barely walk.
 
                                      EDNA
                           Nothing wrong with his hands is
                           there? Or his–
 
                                      JANICE
                           Stop it. I’m just…well, I’m–
 
                                      EDNA
                           You don’t love him, do you?
 
                                      JANICE
                           I’ve been in love with him
                           for years.

                                      EDNA
                                (sarcastic)
                           Are you diggin’ him now?
 
             KNOCK, KNOCK on the hotel room door…
 
                                      JANICE
                           Someone’s at the door, see you
                           tonight, Edna.
 
                                      EDNA
                           Follow your heart; it’s
                           attached to your horny.
 
                                      JANICE
                           What?
 
                                      EDNA
                           Horny is the antenna to your
                           heart.
 
                                      JANICE
                           That is the most ridiculous
                           thing I’ve ever heard…You
                           think?
 
             KNOCK, KNOCK…
 
                                      JANICE
                           Gotta go. See you tonight.
 
             She heads for the door…
 
                                      GLORIA SAMSON
                           Darling, let’s grab some lunch
                           while the jet fuels up. I can’t
                           wait to plan this wedding.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Mrs. Samson…
 
                                      GLORIA SAMSON
                           Call me Gloria, dear. We’re
                           going to be family soon.
                           Horatio wants a spring wedding.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Gloria, I need to make a stop
                           first before we leave. Can I
                           meet you at the airport?

                                                            **
 
             Janice pokes her head inside the cantina, spots Chuck
             nursing a beer, staring at her Picasso-on-crack sketch.
 
                                      CANTINA PATRONS
                           Yanice!
 
             Chuck turns, embarrassed. Tries to play it cool.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Hi, everybody…Hi, Chuck.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Hi.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Can I sit?
 
             Shrug. She does.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Congratulations.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Uh, yeah…thanks. Chuck, I
                           need to tell you–
 
                                      CHUCK
                           I hope you and Horatio will be
                           as happy as my wife and I were.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Um…right. Okay.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           That kind of love only happens
                           once in a lifetime. Lightning
                           doesn’t strike twice.
 
             She looks like she’s been slapped.
 
             A heavy pause.
 
                                      JANICE
                           You’re right. Once in a
                           lifetime. But–
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Yeah, our jungle interlude was
                           fun. You’re pretty hot in the
                           sack for an uptight, corporate
                           lackey.
 
             GASP!

                                      JANICE
                           You said you could love me.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           I say a lot of things when I’m
                           about to die.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Right. Of course.
 
             She stands.
 
                                      JANICE
                           Good-bye, Chuck.
 
             Silent nod. He looks away. She heads out…
 
                                      JANICE
                           Adios, everyone.
 
                                      CANTINA PATRONS
                           Adios, Yanice!
 
             She turns back one more time, Chuck looks away. She
             disappears.
 
             Chuck marches to the bar.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           A double, Arturo. Keep ’em
                           coming.
 
             GULP, GULP. SLAM! The glass splinters in his hand…A long
             pause as Chuck collects himself.
 
                                      JOSÉ
                           Is no too late, Chocolate.
 
             Chuck shakes his head.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           I can’t give her what she
                           wants. I can never go back to
                           that life.
 
                                      JOSÉ
                           My Papa always say…women no
                           know what they want.

                                      CHUCK
                           She knows what she wants. And
                           it ain’t a Cantina owner in
                           CocoLoco.
 
             Cantina door swings open…Janice races inside…
 
             She grabs Chuck’s shoulder…spins him around…she might slap
             him, she might…
 
             She plants a solid kiss on his lips.
 
             He kisses her back.
 
             Her arms wrap around his neck…slide lower,
             lower…until…

             She grabs his ass. Tight.

           
 
             CUT TO: EDNA’S APARTMENT
 
             Edna looks up from her laptop…grins…
 
                                      EDNA
                           That’s my beeotch!
 
             BACK TO CANTINA:
 
             The passionate kiss…
 
             APPLAUSE!
 
             The couple finally separate…
 
                                      CHUCK
                           I’m not going back to the
                           corporate jungle.
 
                                      JANICE
                           You better not.
 
             GRIN, GRIN…

                                                          **

             A few months later, inside the massive R.D.S. Industries
             conference room…
 
             A full house…the suits seem at ease, for once.
 
             Donald Samson, draped in white-collar-warrior suit & tie,
             addresses the crowd…
 
                                      DONALD SAMSON
                           I’m pleased to take over the
                           helm again as chairman. We’ve
                           got a great team. Now let me
                           present to you our new
                           CEO…Horatio Samson.

             Horatio stands, applause breaks out. Trust fund baby
             demeanor evaporated–he’s a corporate tiger now.
 
             A bear hug between father and son.
 
                                      HORATIO
                           Thank you, everyone. This is an
                           honor for me, and I know with
                           our new team, our shares will
                           skyrocket.
 
             APPLAUSE!
 
                                      HORATIO
                           Our bonuses will be fat!
 
             MORE APPLAUSE!
 
                                      HORATIO
                           For my first order of business,
                           I’d like to introduce you to
                           our new President of
                           International Affairs…Elvis
                           Santiago.
 
             Generalisimo struts in, draped in a suit and tie, Elvis
             hair slicked back…emerald ring glistens. His demeanor
             hasn’t changed–he’s still dangerous.

             The suits glance at each other…

             Confusion, confusion, followed by lackluster applause…

             Out of nowhere, Generalisimo’s spider monkey, draped in a
             matching suit, scuttles over the conference table…

             Papers fly, SmartPhones smack heads, bra straps SNAP!…

             Startled suits gawk…

             Monkey hops on Generalisimo’s shoulder, pounds its tiny chest like…

             The Savage Beast he claims to be…

             Holy crap looks explode around the table…
 
                                       HORATIO
                           Let’s show Elvis a warm
                           welcome…shall we?

             Not a request…an order.

             The suits jump to their feet…nervous standing ovation.

             Donald, Horatio and Generalisimo share a knowing look.           
 
             STANDING OVATION.
 
             Donald, Horatio and Generalisimo share a knowing look.

                                                            **
 
             A romantic Bolero sings…

             Chuck “Chocolate” Cantina is in full swing…
 
             A woman’s hand slides a beer across the bar…
 
             It misses the target, topples to the floor. CRASH!
 
                                      JANICE
                                (behind the bar)
                           Ooops. Sorry!

             Chuck joins her, wraps his arms around her…a warm kiss.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           We’re running out of beer mugs.
 
                                      JANICE
                           You have to admit I’m getting
                           better.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Best.Bartender.Ever.
 
             She playfully punches his arm…they head out from behind
             the bar…
 
             Janice waddles, shows off a very pregnant belly.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           You hungry?
 
                                      JANICE
                           Is that a rhetorical question?
 
             He smiles…points to the dance floor.
 
                                      CHUCK
                           Think the girls want to join us
                           for lunch?
 
                                      JANICE
                           Hmmm. Don’t think so.
 
             Edna, A.K.A. Facebook Grandma, squeezes Senior Señor (and
             his hearing aid) in her arms…they turn. Senior Señor’s
             hands have a secure hold over Edna’s wide behind.
 
             Next to them, no-longer-blinded Capitán dances with a woman.
             He’s…smiling? His hands glued to the woman’s round butt
             cheeks. They turn…
 
             Sheila, former cubicle neighbor, looks like she’s gone to
             heaven.

             An American Man sits at the bar, sips a beer. Jose, draped in
             a tacky, polyester suit, drops a business card on the counter.

                                      JOSÉ
                           You might need some insurance
                           while in town, señor. I can insure
                           any risk…You’re in buenas
                           manos…with José.
 
             Chuck and Janice stroll out of the Cantina…Chuck’s left
             hand drops, lands on Janice’s posterior as the door closes
             behind them.
                                                        THE END
 
            

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 30, 2011 7:13 am

    That is a super-peachy-keen post. Thanks for really blathering on like that! Seriously, I don’t think I could have spent more effort wishing for something heavy to fall on me to erase that nonsense from my mind!

    • MEXICAN HEART...ATTACK! permalink*
      May 30, 2011 7:46 am

      Thank you, Mr. Blithers! We hope all your dreams come true…SPLAT! LOLOLOL!

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