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Miss Super Burrito! (Ch 13) Gooooaaaal!!!!

May 2, 2011

 

                                                                         MISS SUPER BURRITO!

                                                                                        A Novella

                                                                                                By

                                                                          Corona Cabronisimo

             BOOS, jeers, death threats, suicide attempts…

             Beauty regally poses her Barrio Statue Of Liberty.

             Even the pigeon that landed on her head-nest constipates

             over her majestic-ness.

             Hunchback and Barry White anxiously flank her. 

             Suddenly, her flashlight hand begins to lower…

             Hushed silence blankets the crowd…

             She dramatically rips off her crown nest. She turns to Hunchback…

                                      BEAUTY
                           I’m done. 

                                      HUNCHBACK
                           You sure? 

             Beauty nods. 

                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (to crowd)
                           She’s done! 

             Crowd erupts. New Year’s, World Series and SuperBowl all in one! 

             Hunchback holds up the number “0.” 

             Crowd agrees big time. 

                                      BEAUTY
                           I wanna do the question and
                          answer part first, like right
                          now. 

                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Sure.  The faster we get you
                           back to Ellis Island the
                           better.
                                (into mic)
                           It is now time for the question
                           and answer part of the
                           competition.

             Silence.

                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Miss Beauty Palomino will be
                           first.
                                (reads off 3 x 5
                                 card)
                           If you were a parent, what
                           would you teach your child?
 
             Beauty looks dead into Lucha’s eyes and Lucha into hers.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Miss Palomino?

                                      BEAUTY
                                (into mic)
                           I’d teach her to live her own
                           life.  To do what she wants to
                           do.  I wouldn’t live through
                           her hotness or amazing
                           athleticism.
 
             Lucha slaps a hand over her mouth…her eyes water.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           I’d teach her that beauty comes
                           from within.
 
             Lucha drops a tear.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           That it naturally flows from in
                           to out.
 
             Beauty rips a lonnnnnnnng, thunderous fart.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           Sorry.  I usually pack silent
                           heat.  Thank you.
 
             A teary-eyed customer claps while gagging.
 
             The crowd, moved by her speech, joins in the applause
             while holding their breaths.
 
             Even Hunchback nods in agreement, holds up the number “1.”
 
             The pinching-nose crowd erupts, agrees.
 
                                      CUSTOMER
                           Hell yeah!
 
                                         **
 
             Alma anxiously awaits the bus. Looks left. Looks right…Nothing.

             Suddenly…

             Lame, off-melody ice cream music sings…

             A Barrio butt-ugly ice cream truck races down the street.
 
             Alma rushes to the middle of the street, flags it down.
             Ugly frozen truck screehes to a halt. Gangstah Ice Cream Man
             peeps through the window.
 
                                      GANGSTAH ICE CREAM MAN
                           Trust me, homegirl, you don’t need
                           no more ice cream.

             She slumps. Then suddenly…

             She spins…points to the back of her shirt: “Drinks on Beauty”
 
                                      GANGSTAH ICE CREAM MAN
                           What flavor you want?
             
                                      ALMA
                           I’ll take a non-stop ride.  

                                          **
 
             Hunchback and Lips stand on the stage.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (into mic)
                           Miss Lips, if you were elected
                           the first woman President of
                           the United States, what would
                           be the first thing you’d do?
 
                                      LIPS
                           That’s a tough question.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Uh-huh.
 
                                      LIPS
                           Really tough.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Yeah.
 
                                      LIPS
                           Do you got another one?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (under breath)
                           Answer the damn question.
 
                                      LIPS
                           I’d order our military to
                           demand Beauty not smell like
                           ass anymore!
 
             The crowd erupts.
 
             Hunchback holds up the number “10.”
 
             Crowd goes nuts.
 
             BEHIND THE CURTAIN
 
             Beauty holds the Statue of Liberty pose…slumps out of it.
 
             BACK TO STAGE
 
             Lips disappears behind stage curtain.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (into mic)
                           Now please help me welcome our
                           final contestant, Miss Alma
                           Espinoza.

             Nothing.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Miss Alma Espinoza.
 
             Nothing.
 
             Hunchback turns, only Beauty and Lips stand there.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (mouths to Barry
                                 White)
                           Where is she?
 
             Barry White shrugs: “I don’t know.”
 
             Hunchback searches.
 
             Crowd searches.
 
                                      CRUZ
                                (to Lucha)
                           Where is she?
 
                                      LUCHA
                           I don’t know.  She was here a
                           minute ago.
 
             Cruz looks around, her vision blurs.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (into mic)
                           Miss Espinoza has five minutes
                           to report to the stage or she
                           will be disqualified.
 
             Hunchback grins.
 
             Barry White deflates.
 
                                            **

              
             Ludacris screams from the ice cream truck
             speakers…”Move…Get Out The Way!”

             Gangstah ice cream truck tears down the street at fifty
             miles per hour…

             Little girl sprints to the middle of the street, waves a dollar bill…

             Ice Cream Gangstah grins, guns the engine…

                                      ICE CREAM GANGSTAH
                           You wanted non-stop!
 
             SPLAT! Truck runs kid over. Kid lies flat like a tortilla on
             the asphalt.

             Alma pops her head out the window, GASP!
 
             Kid pops up like a pop-tart. Shakes the cobwebs…

                                      KID
                           You never stop! That’s why you
                           broke and your truck’s ugly!                            
            
 
                                          **
 
             Hunchback glances at her watch…grins.
 
             She fakes a sad face and…
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Unfortunately, it looks like
                           Miss Espinoza will be disqua—
 
             “Move…Get Out The Way!” blares…
 
                                      ALMA
                                (over ice cream
                                 truck speaker)
                           Get out the way!  Get out the
                           way!
 
             Tires SCREECH.
 
             Everyone turns towards the dance floor’s rear exit.
 
             Alma bursts in, stops, stares at the crowd.
 
             Samuel and Cruz smile.
 
             Alma hustles up on the stage…she and Barry White share a
             big time smile.
 
             Alma smiles at Beauty.
 
             Beauty smiles back, strikes her best Statue of Liberty pose
             yet. The pigeon returns to its nest.
 
             Alma spots her mother — super-duper pocket binoculars sit
             slapped across her eyes — her eyes look huge, strange.
 
             Alma takes back: “Whoa.”

             Barry White rushes the mic, excitedly reads from a 3 x 5
             card.
 
                                      BARRY WHITE
                           If you had one wish, what would
                           it be?
 
             Alma thinks long…hard…
 
                                      ALMA
                                (in real Barry White
                                 voice)
                           Ecstacy When You Lay Down Next
                           To Me.
 
                                      CROWD
                           Barry White song!
 
             Barry White gyrates his eyebrows. HOT!
 
                                      ALMA
                                (her voice)
                           And — I’d wish for a cure for
                           all illnesses.  I’d wish a cure
                           for cancer, for diabetes, for
                           failing eyesight.
 
             Stares at her mother — whose huge swirling eyes scare Alma
             through the super-duper binoculars.
 
             Through the binoculars, Cruz sees her daughter crystal
             clear like never before.
 
             She lowers the binoculars, smiles.
 
                                      ALMA
                           I’d wish for a cure for
                           shoulder-humpness.
 
             Samuel smiles.
 
                                      ALMA
                           For silent heat to return to
                           animals only.
 
             Lucha and Beauty share a smile.
 
                                      ALMA
                                (looks at Barry
                                 White)
                           I’d wish to find love.
 
             They smile.

                                      ALMA
                           That’s what I’d wish for.
 
             The crowd feels it.  They’re moved.
 
             Except Linda Blair, who grips the soccer ball.
 
                                      LINDA BLAIR
                           She’s full of it!  So is that
                           fake Statue of stinky Liberty!
 
             Linda Blair winds, fires the ball at Beauty AKA pigeon statue.
           
             Beauty watches the ball zip directly towards her face.
 
             IN SLOW MOTION: Alma darts between the ball and Beauty.
 
             Through binoculars, Cruz sees Alma glow magnificently as she
             glides through the air..an amazing bicycle kick and POW!
 
             Kicks the ball back in the opposite direction…
            
             The ball flies…flies…flies…
 
             Directly at Linda Blair!
 
             IN REGULAR SPEED:  POW! The ball slams off of Linda Blair’s face…

             Linda Blair screams, smothers her face with her hand…
 
             Blood gushes from her nose… she runs out screaming like a baby.
 
             The crowd gawks.
 
                                      SAMUEL
                           Gooooooooaaaaaaaaaaal!!!!!
 
             Cruz slowly lowers the binoculars…the moment has
             arrived…Alma has made her proud.
 
             Samuel claps.
 
                                      SAMUEL
                           Clapping!
                                (pissed, to crowd)
                           Clapping!
 
                                      CROWD
                                (claps from fear)
                           Clapping!
 
             Even Hunchback claps, holds up the number “10.”
 
             Crowd goes crazy.
 
             Hunchback approaches the mic…crowd settles down.

                                      HUNCHBACK
                           We have a tie.
 
             Alma whistles.
 
             The rear exit door flies open.  Ice Cream Gangstah emerges,
             tosses ice cream into the crowd.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Ice cream on me!
 
             Ice cream flies through the air…lands on the ground.
             The crowd doesn’t bother catching the goodies; they ain’t
             thrilled with the bribe.

             They stare at Alma accusingly. 
            
                                      ALMA
                           And another round on Beauty!
 
             Crowd erupts.
 
             Lucha thrusts her arms in the air: “I give up.”
 
                                      SAMUEL
                                (chants)
                           Eleven!  Eleven!
                                (pissed, to crowd)
                           Eleven!  Eleven!
 
                                      CROWD
                                (chants)
                           Eleven!  Eleven!  Eleven!
                           Eleven!
 
             Hunchback draws a “1” through the number “0” and holds up
             the newly-formed number “11.”
 
             Alma wins!!!!
 
             Samuel eyes Alma…proud.
 
             Alma eyes Samuel…appreciative.
 
             Alma then squeezes her soccer shirt’s hemline; she and
             Samuel share a knowing look.
 
             Samuel’s eyes widen.
 
             Alma yanks off her shirt, throws it into the crowd.  Yes!
 
             The crowd goes nuts as Alma raises her arms, hops around in
             a little victory hop in her sports bra and all her chubby
             glory.
 
             Alma and Samuel exchange a look of respect and confidence.
 
             Alma and Cruz share a smile.

             Cruz’s vision blurs…to BLACK.
 
                                           **
 
             Pitch black.
 
             A RIPPING sound explodes…a burst of dingy light, a little
             more…more…
 
             Another ripping sound…more light.
 
             The blur begins to clear…a person’s reflection in the
             mirror.
 
             Blur clears: it’s Cruz’s reflection, clear now, in a
             doctor’s office.
 
             Doctor Jones removes the last of the taped gauze from her
             eyes.
 
             Alma eagerly awaits behind them.
 
             Cruz blinks, stares at their reflections.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           I see — perfectly.
 
             Alma holds up newspaper picture of her performing the
             bicycle kick at the Miss Super Burrito contest.
 
             PICTURE’S CAPTION:
 
                                 MISS SUPER BURRITO!
 
                                      ALMA
                           Can you see that?
 
             Cruz looks, smiles.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Where’s your crown?
 
                                      ALMA
                           Due to school commitments, I
                           hadda relinquish it to the
                           runner-up.
 
             Alma turns…Lucha stands behind…next to her, stands
             Beauty in her Statue of Liberty pose, sporting the
             burrito-shaped crown.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           I thought the other girl
                           finished second.

                                      ALMA
                           She did until the drinks Beauty
                           bought the customers had them
                           changing their scores in favor
                           of Beauty.  Are you finally
                           proud of me?
 
             A long pause…
 
                                      CRUZ
                           No.
 
             Alma’s forehead wrinkles, she doesn’t get it.
 
                                          **
 
             A graduation ceremony takes place on the East L.A.
             University soccer field.
 
             Alma, draped in a cap and gown, is next to walk the stage.
 
             The MC’s voice booms.
 
                                      MC
                           Graduating Summa Cum Laude,
                           Alma Espinoza!
 
             Alma struts across the stage, snatches her diploma.
 
             Cruz, Barry White, Beauty, Lucha and all the hunchbacks
             stand up in the front row and cheer.
 
             Off to the side, Pit Bull wears a graduation cap and humps
             another little doggy…the tassel on his cap swings wildly
             back and forth.
 
             He finishes…falls on his back, paws up, and ends up stiff
             like an effed-up stuffed animal.

             The hunchbacks gather around Biggie, the hunchback,
             turn him upside down on his head, facing the stage…he
             can now witness Alma’s special moment.

                                      CRUZ
                                (to Alma)
                           Now I’m proud!
 
             Cruz crosses herself.     

             From Biggie’s POV: Alma’s graduation cap blocks out the
             sun; a bright outline emerges, traces the form of a kite,
             its tassel transforms into a kite’s tail, which blows
             softly in the wind.
 
             Biggie smiles…sees the kite Alma promised he’d see.

             Alma saunters off stage…Barry White takes her hand, gently wraps
             his arms around her…

                                      BARRY WHITE
                                (in deep Barry White voice)
                           Never gonna give you up.

             The most juiciest Super Burrito kiss ever!

                                         THE END

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