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Miss Super Burrito! (Ch 7) Elp Wanted

March 13, 2011

            

                                                 MISS SUPER BURRITO!

                                                        A Novella

                                                                By

                                                   Corona Cabronisimo

             Back in Alma’s bedroom.
             

             Beauty studies the shark attack newspaper pic of Alma and Armless Girl
             tacked on the wall.
             
                                      BEAUTY
                           Wow, you’re a real-life
                           superhero.  Did she kiss your
                           feet and thank you?
 
                                      ALMA
                           No.  She wanted to punch me in
                           the face but had no fists.
 
             Beauty takes back.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Then she fell on her face on a
                           condom.
 
             Beauty grimaces.
 
                                      ALMA
                           C’mon, Beauty, think.  There’s
                           gotta be somebody you’ve helped.
 
             Beauty thinks, shakes her head: “No.”
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           I hate people.  They’re a bunch
                           of clowns.
 
             Alma studies Beauty’s “clown” make-up: “Look who’s talking.”
 
                                      ALMA
                           Okay, we gotta get the taco
                           truck lady.  She owes me.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           The one who wants to
                           burn you up?
 
                                      ALMA
                           She didn’t mean it.
 
                                      **
 
             In the street in front of the East L.A. University campus,
             Alma, eyes wide, runs in a circle…burnt taco truck Mother
             races behind, squirts lighter fluid at her.
 
             Burnt taco truck Father also gives chase, lights matches,
             tosses them at Alma.
 
             Luckily, the matches extinguish in the air, just in time.

             Burnt taco truck Daughter stands next to taco truck,
             scratches burnt, patchy hair and smiles.
 
             Beauty stands next to Daughter, watches chase in shock.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Help, Beauty!  Help!
 
             Beauty doesn’t budge, makes a poor attempt to blow out the
             matches.
 
             Daughter sneaks a squirt of lighter fluid on Beauty’s back,
             hides the can before Beauty sees it.
 
             Beauty feels the liquid, looks at the Daughter.
 
             Daughter’s stone-faced.
 
             Beauty inches away…then breaks into a sprint past Alma.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           C’mon!
 
             Alma sprints after her.
 
             Taco truck family gives chase, squirts lighter fluid,
             tosses lit matches.
 
                                       **
 
             Beauty and Alma jog up to the school’s soccer field, look
             back…burnt taco truck family no longer in sight.
 
             They collapse on the grass, catch their breaths, regroup.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           Aren’t superheroes supposed to
                           be loved?  If they made a comic
                           book about you they’d sell two
                           copies.
 
             Alma’s touched.
 
                                      ALMA
                           You’d buy one, Beauty?
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           No.  You and your mother would.
 
             Alma’s untouched.

                                      BEAUTY
                           People would rip stuffing out
                           of your chubby superhero doll
                           so you can run faster to help
                           you catch the bad guys.
 
             That hit where it hurts.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           Your movie would flop because
                           not even actors wanna pretend
                           to be saved by you.  So you’d
                           have nobody to save.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Okay!
 
             Beauty shuts up…
 
             A Man’s Voice Drifts over them…

                           Thanks again!
 
             Alma looks towards the voice.
 
             A Janitor waves at her from a distance.  She recognizes him.
 
                                      ALMA
                           You’re welcome!
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           Please tell me you didn’t save
                           his life, too.
 
                                      ALMA
                           I saved his plunger.
                                (to Janitor)
                           Can I talk to you for a second?!
 
                                       **
 
             Cruz passes by a bus stop bench overflowing with commuters…
             vault pole firmly in her grip.
 
             She needs a break, her vision blurs…
 
             The bench transforms…extends four feet, a spot for Cruz
             to sit.
 
             She squats, THUMP! Lands on the cement.
 
             She blinks, shakes her head, blinks.
 
             The bench returns to its non-extended state.

             She rubs her hip.
 
                                      COMMUTER
                                (to Cruz)
                           You ALMOST sat on it.
 
                                      **
 
             Alma, Beauty and Janitor gather on the soccer field.
 
                                      ALMA
                           So technically you won’t be
                           lying.  You’ll just say Beauty
                           saved your plunger instead of
                           me.  Will you do it?
 
                                      JANITOR
                           Sure.  That’s the least I can
                           do.
 
             Beauty hugs Janitor in appreciation.
 
             Janitor sniffs the air.
 
                                      JANITOR
                           Do you guys smell cow shit?
 
             Beauty pulls away, eyes shifting.
 
                                        **
 
             The clock in Alma’s kitchen reads: “1:30.”
 
             Alma and Beauty sit at the table.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           What’s taking her?
 
                                      ALMA
                           She’ll be here.
 
             The front door CREAKS open…SLAMS shut.
 
                                      ALMA
                           She’s here.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           How do you know it’s her?
 
             SMACK!  Vault pole meets Beauty’s forehead.

                                      ALMA
                           It’s her.
                                (under breath)
                           Keep smack-talkin’ about my
                           superhero-ness.
 
             Cruz stumbles in, pole in hand — her vision blurred.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Hi.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Hi.  What happened?  They
                           didn’t take it back?
 
                                      CRUZ
                           I never made it.  I’m not
                           feeling so good.  But I promise
                           I’ll make it to the finals
                           tonight.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           My mother won’t be there till
                           tonight either.  She’s putting
                           the finishing touches on my
                           outfit.
 
             Cruz’s vision finally clears, sees Beauty’s clown make-up
             for the first time: “Whoa!”
 
                                      CRUZ
                           A clown outfit?
 
             Beauty doesn’t get it.
 
                                        **
 
             At the Super Burrito dance floor, the clock hanging over DJ
             booth reads: “2:00 pm.”
 
             Written on the white-board on the easel:
 
                                1. HONESTY  2. HELPFUL
 
             Alma, Beauty, Tush and Lips sit.  Next to each, sit guests.
             Legs sits next to an empty chair.
 
             Hunchback addresses the group.
 
             Barry White hangs in the background.

                                      HUNCHBACK
                           If I catch any of you coaching
                           your guest, you will be
                           automatically disqualified.
 
             Hunchback moves in front of Alma and Armless Girl.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (to Armless Girl)
                           Hello, sweetie.  You’re
                           adorable.
 
                                      ARMLESS GIRL
                           If you’re talking nice to me
                           because of the arms and the
                           patch, don’t.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Okay.  Has this young lady ever
                           elped you?
 
                                      ARMLESS GIRL
                           Elped?
 
             Hunchback rolls her eyes.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Helped.
 
                                      ARMLESS GIRL
                           Oh yeah.  She saved me from a
                           shark attack.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Really?
 
                                      ARMLESS GIRL
                           She bit off its ears and it
                           swam away.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Sharks don’t have ears, honey.
 
                                      ARMLESS GIRL
                           Has a shark ever bitten off
                           your fists when you were trying
                           to punch it?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           No.
 
                                      ARMLESS GIRL
                           Trust me.  This one had ears.

             Hunchback checks off a box on her clipboard.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Thank you for sharing.
 
             Hunchback moves in front of Beauty and the Janitor — he
             clutches a plunger.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           How has this young lady elped
                           you?
 
                                      JANITOR
                           She saved my plunger.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Really?
 
                                      JANITOR
                           It was floating away in an
                           overflow when she dove and
                           saved it.  She got feces all
                           over herself but didn’t blink
                           once.  She still smells like
                           shit.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           And how’s that elped you?
 
                                      JANITOR
                                (kisses plunger)
                           It’s the tool of my trade.
 
             Hunchback grimaces, checks off a box on the clipboard.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Thank you.
 
             Hunchback addresses Tush, Lips, Legs and their guests as a
             group.
 
             A Suit sits next to Lips.  A sweet Old Lady sits next to
             Tush, and the empty chair rests beside Legs.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (to Legs)
                           Where’s your person?
 
                                      LEGS
                           Right there.  Homegirl’s
                           invisible.

                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (plays along)
                           Ohhhhh.
 
             Hunchback leans in to empty chair, pretends to speak to
             someone.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           How has this young lady elped
                           you, Miss Invisible Homegirl?
 
             She turns her head sideways, listening to invisible
             homegirl…she nods.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           I see.
 
             Hunchback suddenly checks off clipboard, Legs swallows hard.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           I’ve heard enough.  And then
                           there were four.  See your way
                           out —
                                (points)
                           — TUSH!
 
             Tush gasps.  Her Old Lady guest can’t believe it.
 
                                      TUSH
                           But — why?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           The old hag left without paying
                           the other day!  She ripped me
                           off!
 
                                      OLD LADY
                           I’m sorry!  My memory isn’t
                           what it used to be!  I forgot!
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Get outta here, smelly piece of
                           crap!
 
             Old Lady doesn’t budge, but Beauty does…she stands.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Not you!
                                (points to Old Lady)
                           Her!
 
             Beauty sits as Tush and Old Lady rush out.
 
             Hunchback writes on the whiteboard:

                                   3. Hunchbackathy
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           H number three — hu-hu — hu-
                           hu — hu-hunchbackathy!  Do any
                           of you ladies know what it’s
                           like to have a hu-hu — hu-hu —
                           hu-hunchback?

                          To be continued…

*No part of this novella may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the author.    
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