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Miss Super Burrito! (Ch 5) Barry White

March 2, 2011

            

            

             MISS SUPER BURRITO!

                   A Novella

                           By

             Corona Cabronisimo

             Back at the Super Burrito dance floor…
 
             The seven contestants line up side-by-side: Alma, Beauty,
             Tush, Legs, Lips, Boobs…and giddy Dumb Blonde.
 
             Cruz and Lucha hover nearby, direct the evil-eye at their
             daughters’ competitors.
 
             Hunchback glares at her watch, at the doorway…
 
             The door swings open, TRINI GONZALEZ, cholo-struts
             inside. An old soul oozes from the street-wise young man.
             
             Trini sets down a white-board on an easel and hands
             Hunchback seven sealed envelopes.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           ‘Bout time.  Thank you.
 
             Trini scans the fine ladies, his eyes land on…Alma?
 
             Alma looks to the left, to the right, nope, he’s looking at
             her.  She looks down, wondering, picks at a stain on her
             turtleneck.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (to Trini, louder)
                           Thank you.
 
             Trini doesn’t blink…he really likes what he sees.
 
             Hunchback whacks him with her hump.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Thank you, Barry White!
 
             In a chipmunk voice that surpasses falsetto:
 
                                      TRINI
                           My bad, nina!
 
             CRRRRRAAACK!  Cruz’s glasses spiderweb.
 
             Cruz takes off the glasses, studies them: “whoa!”
 
             Alma deflates: “Oh no.”
 
                                      BEAUTY
                                (whispers to Alma)
                           Barry White?
 
             Alma, shocked, nods.
 
             Trini AKA “Barry White” heads out.

             Alma stares at his exit strut…her shock expression slowly
             dissolves into a smile and a “Wooo baby” expression.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           You all have the qualities to
                           be Miss Burrito, but can you be
                           Miss SUPER Burrito?
 
             The fine contestants confidently smile, nod.
 
             Beauty trembles.
 
             Alma places a caring hand on Beauty’s shoulder to calm her.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                                (winces, jerks away)
                           Ow.
 
             Alma stares, doesn’t know how she caused the pain.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           I landed on a paletero cart
                           when they threw me out the bus.
 
             Alma doesn’t blink.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           I totalled it…
 
             Alma’s eyes widen.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                          …the paletero, too.  I need to
                           win this thing now just to pay
                           for the damages.
 
             Damn.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           This is a one day, two-part
                           competition that starts right
                           now.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           Right now?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Yes — anybody got a problem
                           with that?
 
             The girls shake their heads “no” except Beauty who nods
             “yes” until Hunchback looks at her then Beauty shakes her
             head “no.”

                                      HUNCHBACK
                           All right then.  You must all
                           first complete three tasks
                           after which only the final four
                           will compete here tonight at
                           which time I will determine a
                           winner.  I need to know your
                           interiors before I can judge
                           your exteriors.  Do you ladies
                           possess the three H’s?
 
             The girls look at each other: “What three H’s?”
 
             Hunchback writes on the white-board:
 
                                      1. HONESTY
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           H number one — hawnesty!
 
             Cruz slowly raises her hand.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Yes?
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Isn’t it pronounced, ah-nesty,
                           with a silent H?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Who’s running this show?
 
             Suddenly, the imaginary brat that only Cruz can see peeks
             over Hunchback’s shoulder, sticks out his tongue at Cruz.
 
                                      CRUZ
                           You and the boy?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                                (looks around)
                           What BOY?
 
             The brat sinks back down, disappears.
 
             Cruz blinks, shakes her head, suspicious of cracked
             webbed glasses.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Inside each of these envelopes
                           is an identical task that you
                           each must complete and return
                           to me within two hours.

                           Whoever doesn’t is out of the
                           competition.  In the spirit of
                           fairness, DO NOT open your
                           envelopes until you get home
                           and I call you.  Am I clear?
 
             The girls nod.
 
             Hunchback moves in front of Alma who plucks an envelope.
 
             She moves down the line after each girl plucks an envelope
             until giddy, Dumb Blonde plucks the last one and
             accidentally stabs the envelope’s corner into her own eye.
 
             WAAAAH!  She covers stabbed eye, runs away screaming.
 
                                      DUMB BLONDE
                           This is too hard!  I quit!
 
             And disappears.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           And then there were six.  Make
                           that the final three tonight.
                           Program my number into your
                           phones, ladies.  Get ready for
                           my call.
 
             Cruz and Lucha whip out cell phones…anxious fingers ready
             to program.
 
                                      **
 
             Outside the Super Burrito restaurant…
 
             Alma, Cruz, Lucha and Beauty approach the bus stop bench.
 
             The mothers hand their daughters the programmed cell phones.
 
             Beauty holds up her envelope, tries to peek inside — Lucha
             moves in to also get a peek.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Open it.
 
                                      ALMA
                           She said not till we get home.
 
             Beauty contemplates.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Open it.

             Beauty’s about to tear it open when SLAM!  Alma tackles her
             to the ground like a linebacker.
 
             They wrestle for the envelope.
 
                                      LUCHA
                           Help!  Help!  The fat girl’s
                           beating up my baby!  Somebody
                           help!
 
             A Mechanic in a jumpsuit races in, yanks Alma up and hands
             her to Lucha.
 
                                      MECHANIC
                           Here you go, señora.
                                (to Beauty on ground)
                           Pick on someone your own size,
                           fat girl!
 
             Mechanic smiles at Lucha, walks on.
 
             Lucha glares at Mechanic.
 
             Beauty gets to her feet.
 
             A cell phone RINGS…it’s theme music similar to Miss
             America’s beauty pageant music.
 
             Beauty pulls her cell phone.
 
             CALLER ID:
 
                                      MS. LOPEZ
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           It’s Miss Lopez.
                                (speaks into phone)
                           Hello?…I’m out front…
                           Sure.  
                           
             She hangs up.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           She wants to see me AND my
                           envelope.
 
             Another cell phone RINGS…it’s the sound of a CHURCH BELL.
 
             Alma pulls her cell phone.
 
             CALLER ID:

                              HUNCKBACK FROM THE BARRIO
 
                                      ALMA
                           Really, mom?
 
             Cruz shrugs: “Guilty as charged.”
 
             Alma shakes her head, answers the phone.
 
                                      ALMA
                                (speaks into phone)
                          Hello?…I’m out front…
.                         Okay.
 
             She hangs up.
 
                                      ALMA
                           She wants to see me and my
                           envelope, too.
 
                                   **
 
             Back at the Super Burrito dance floor…
 
             Hunchback addresses the six girls left in the competition
             who are lined up side-by-side.
 
             Cruz and Lucha hover, giving the evil-eye again.
 
             Barry White, the gritty cholo with the falsetto chipmunk
             voice, also lounges in the background in a hardcore cholo
             stance.  He peeks at Alma…
 
             Alma peeks back, blushes.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           It’s time to weed out the
                           dis-hawnest from the hawnest.
                           What time did I tell you to
                           open your envelopes?
 
                                      EVERYONE
                           After you call.
 
             Alma’s first in line.  Hunchback motions for her envelope,
             checks it…sealed.
 
             Hunchback checks Beauty’s envelope…sealed.
 
             She moves in front of Tush:

                                      BEAUTY
                                (mouths to Alma)
                           Thank you.
 
             Hunchback checks Tush’s, Legs’ and Lips’ envelopes: all
             sealed.
 
             She moves in front of Boobs who holds her hands behind her
             back.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Something wrong?
 
             Boobs reluctantly holds out her envelope.  It’s ripped open.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Wanna show them what’s inside?
 
             She can’t, but Hunchback can and yanks out a sheet of paper
             for everyone to see.
 
             WRITTEN ON THE PAPER:
 
                                       HONESTY!
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Hawnesty!  This is what you all
                           have in your envelopes!
                                (to Boobs)
                           You’re as dis-hawnest as your
                           boobs and your tubes.
 
             Boobs runs away in tears, disappears.
 
                                      BEAUTY
                           Her tubes?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           She had them filled with
                           silicone so any daughter born
                           to her would have big boobs.
 
                                      ALMA
                           What if she has a boy?
 
             Hunchback glares.
 
             Alma looks down.
 
                                      ALMA
                                (under breath)
                           And then there were five.

             Hunchback heard that…she steps in front of Alma with a
             not-so-friendly look.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Then there were five.
 
             Hunchback writes on the white-board:
 
                                     2. HELPFUL!
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           H number two — elpful!
 
             Community confusion.
 
             Cruz slowly raises her hand.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Yes?
 
                                      CRUZ
                           Isn’t it pronounced, helpful,
                           with a strong h?
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           What is it with you and
                           pronunciation?
 
             Shrug.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           That’s what I thought.  Have
                           you been elpful, ladies?  Bring
                           someone you’ve elped to share
                           how your elp has changed his or
                           her life for the better.  If
                           you haven’t elped anyone before
                           today, then you’re not
                           qualified to be Miss Super
                           Burrito.  And if you can’t make
                           it back with someone by
                           two-o-clock, then you haven’t
                           elped enough people.  Awp along.
 
             No one budges.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Awp along!
 
             No one budges.
 
                                      ALMA
                           Do you mean HOP along?

                                      HUNCHBACK
                           That’s what I said!
 
             The girls scram, so do Cruz and Lucha.
 
             They disappear into the restaurant.
 
             Hunchback glares.  Barry White grins.
 
                                      HUNCHBACK
                           Since when do you like
                           burritos, Barry White?
 
                                      BARRY WHITE
                                (in his usual
                                 falsetto chipmunk
                                 voice)
                          Since you ordered super.
 
             Barry White grins.
 
             Hunchback rolls her eyes.

            To be continued…

*No part of this novella may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the author.    
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