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I Ain’t No Punk B1tch…Don’t Nobody Ask Me To Help Me Find Something In No Store

February 4, 2011

I was looking for Mr. Potato Head in Toys-R-Us when an Employee said, “Can I help you find something, Sir?”

That kind’a pi$$ed me off.

“What’chu say, man?”

“Can I help you find something?”

I proceeded to have homeboy hide the Mr. Potato Heads, finished counting 10 alligators and went to find Mr. Potato Head myself.

I immediately spotted the brown potato, face-down, in the bicycle aisle and snatched him by his flat, wide foot, “Found you, Mr. Potato Head!”

“Cabron!  Suelta a mija!” A Mexican lady shouted.

A little Mexican girl with llantitas shook free from my grip…took off crying, “I’m not shaped like a potato!  I’m not shaped like a potato!”

I had come very close but no cigar.

I immediately spotted the real, bald Mr. Potato Head in a cart, up the aisle.

I approached, noticed the fake nose and snatched it off its face to make sure it was him, “Ha!  Got’chu, Mr. Potato Head!”

“WAAAAAAAAAH!” A Woman cried, “My baby doesn’t look like Mr. Potato Head!  Give ‘im back his pacifier!  Give it back!”

I shoved the pacifier back in the baby’s mouth and the woman whisked him away in his stroller.

I then spotted the real Mr. Potato Head in the coloring book section.

I snatched up the brown, wavy papa and put it on the counter to pay for it, “How much?”

“Free, Sir.”

“You sure?”


“Since when?”

“Since always.”

I tentatively walked to my car and drove away.  No one chased me.  She wasn’t lying.  Mr. Potato Head was free!

Then potato head spoke, “Daddy?  Why did you wanna pay for me?”


Don’t nobody ask me to help me find something in no store.

I ain’t no punk b1tch.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. Cindy Saldivar Slensker permalink
    February 4, 2011 11:58 pm

    hella Rollin’! how do u come up with all these new ones everyday? Must have no kids, and Lotts of time to think!! Love it! Keep doing what Chu do!!

    • MEXICAN HEART...ATTACK! permalink*
      February 5, 2011 10:35 am

      Thank you for the compliment and for reading, Cindy! I have no idea how I come up with them to be totally honest! LOLOL!!!! I LOVE writing them!

      Corona : )

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