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Dear Esperanza: Hate-eez or Hate-erz?

January 20, 2011

Dear Esperanza:

I hate my best friend, Cristina. She’s pretty, she’s nice. Her boyfriend is not only cute, he’s a career oriented vato…already promoted to manager at Best Buy after only two years. Now they’re gonna get married—a biggo wedding.  She even went on that enchilada only diet and is down to a size 12.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her…with every fiber of my being, and every strand of unwanted body hair.

Meanwhile, my novio still hasn’t found a job and thinks marriage only works for Mormons.  Every night he goes out drinking with his homies while I slave away baking during the night shift at Dunkin’ Donuts. And now he’s pissed ‘cause I gained twenty pounds since I started working there…three weeks ago.

If my girlfriend gets all the good luck, she deserves my hate. It’s only fair. The rest of us got nothing else.

Tell me I’m right.

Haterz Unite!

**

 

Dear Hater Jodida:

This is a horrible, terrible tragedy.

I empathize with your plight, you ugly, fat bitch.

The world is made up of Hate-eez and Hate-ers. As a card-carrying member of the hate-ees, I can relate to your sick, twisted envy.

My prima Lupita can’t deal with the fact that I got amazing nalgas. They’re huge, round, juicy and defy gravity. The bitch can’t handle it. Especially since her nalgas are flat and peppered with zits. Pobrecita. 

Then there’s mi amiga, Sonia. When I slept with her husband, I thought she would lose her mind, she hated on me so bad. And once she knew I was the best her lame-ass husband ever had, all she had left was her hate, pobrecita. After homeboy tasted the Esperanza elixir, he couldn’t go back.

So he married some chica he met on Facebook.  

I tried to splain it to her—she wouldn’t listen…

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m good in bed.  

Love is a mucho splendored thing.

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