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DEAR ESPERANZA: Are TV Networks Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

January 11, 2011

I’m not answering letters today because we’re living a horrible, terrible tragedy!

I always dreamed that fame would envelope my luscious, curvy existence ever since I was a tiny, round mocosa.

Move over, Rita Hateworth, Angelina Jolly and Betty Blanquita White…stardom awaits me like an erupting  pimple during PMS.  I’m gonna fulfill my destiny as a masitas de carnitas superstar, and like Bo Boba Derek, my hotness will cover every 16-year old boy’s bedroom wall.


To pursue my life long dream, I earned the prestigious Ruca-Riquisima-Acting-ness Crown in my Home Depot parking lot acting class. My teacher, and part-time sobador, El Profe, said that I not only got potential, I scare potential to death.

Once El Profe recovered from eye surgery after I did my Sharon Stoned leg cross-over move, I earned the firme Bachelorette of I-Got-My-Drama -From-My-Mama degree…

Then, out of nowhere, my world came crashing down when mi gente over at National Media Latino Coalition  BROKE THE BIG CHISME! While I was working hard earning my 8.7 Richter scale GPA, the television networks failed on their Latino diversity report cards!

I was shocked, horrified, and a little excited by those pendejos. Not only did the major networks get bad grades in their Latino diversity classes, they did worse than last year! How is that possible when there are more Latinos than ever who advertisers want to reach?

$$$ BROWN MONEY $$$

How am I supposed to star in the next GONE WITH EL VIENTO? WEEKEND AT  BERNARDO’S?  CHICA AND THE TRAMP? LAST OF THE MOJITOS? LEGALLY MEXICAN? CARLOS THE BARBARIAN? CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE I.C.E. KIND?

If I want my chancla prints in Hollywood cement, I gotta find a solution. So I whipped up a set of multiple choice questions to help the Networks pass their American Latino Diversity tests and appear less bobo…WATCHA!

When a qualified American Latino interviews for that showrunner position, you should:

  1. Tell him/her to make you a burrito.
  2. Ask him/her to run a lap to see if he qualifies. If he passes out from heat exhaustion in 60 degree weather, his papers are real.
  3. Give the job to your wife’s cousin.
  4. Give the Latino(a) a chance.

If  a talented American Latino writer submits entertaining Latino-centric content, you should:

  1. Tell him/her to make you a burrito.
  2. Ask him/her to write out an estimate for crabgrass treatment as a writing sample.
  3. Thank him/her for their time then toss the ideas to your existing out-of-touch-with-Latinos writers to develop.
  4. Give the Latino(a) a chance.

If a talented, insightful American Latino Director suggests that you hire a Latino(a) as the show’s star, you should:

  1. Tell him/her to make you a burrito.
  2. Ask him/her if he’s ever guest-starred in COPS.
  3. Hire Eminem, he’s close enough.
  4. Give the Latino(a) a chance.

If you are anxious to profit from the exploding American Latino market, you should:

  1. Tell a Latino(a) to make you a burrito.
  2. Ask the sold-out Latino movie crowd to clean up the theater before they leave.
  3. Listen to the advice of golf buddies who hire illegal Mexican gardeners–they’re experts on the American Latino market.
  4. Hire American Latinos who “speak” to the demographic you’re after.

I hope my Network jefitos figured out how to best answer and score big on the Latino Diversity 101 Test.

The correct answer is in your heart.

If you don’t have a heart, answer No.4.

I’m ready for my audition. Call me, baby! And don’t forget to bring the burritos.

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