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Latino Heart Idol Winner: Efrain Valdez!

October 20, 2010
Congratulations, Efrain, our LATINO HEART IDOL!
Efrain Valdez
LifeIsGood: A Man of the Barrio
Efrain Valdez
As I ran out of the house I could hear mi madrecita yelling, “Happy Birthday Joaquin..Pedro..Tacho..tu como te llamas hijo de tu Madre!”
I knew she was talking to me because it was my 18th birthday and all my brothers were at the probation office. I was headed across the street to see my Tio OP; he had promised me a surprise for my birthday. We called him OP; it was short for Ojos Pelones. He looked like he was high all the time but he said it was from the war…some war in some callejon.
As I turned the corner of his carton caton he was holding a shiny gold banana bike; it was my birthday surprise. It must have been recently painted because tio had a gold ring around his nose and mouth. Tio, I asked, “Is that my surprise, isn’t that a girl’s bike, did you spray paint it, what about the gold ring on your face?” Tio responded, “Yes it’s your bike, and the gold ring is what I’m using to propose to my girlfriend La Cliqua; she’s big enough to be one. By the way, you’re asking too many questions; stop behaving like a chavala, you’re a man of the barrio.”
As I got on my new bike tio gave me 27,312 pesos. My eyes got as big as his knowing I was filthy rich! He told me, “Calmate asustado; it’s only $1.57 in US dollars! It’s enough to buy yourself a 40 but save half for me; I need it for the big day with my baby La Cliqua. Oh, and bring me back the change.”
I took off to the store in my new bike; excited to be a man of the barrio ready to party! As I parked my ride by the phones I saw a nice girl crying. As I came out of the store she was still there so I asked, “Why are you crying?” She replied, “My vato doesn’t know how to talk to me and treat me like a lady, he acts like a chavalo.” I told her, “Don’t worry, I’ll treat you right; I’m a man of the barrio. Hop on my ride and I’ll show you a whole new world of puro amor!”
As she made her way to my bike I noticed she walked with a limp. I asked, “Is your foot okay, did you get hurt?” She said, “No, I’ve got a wooden leg; that’s why my vato is so childish.”
As we made our way on the cruise of our life she held on to the 40 and continued, “He took me camping one time and used my leg as firewood. I was okay with it except for the white stains the marshmallows made; I had to explain everything to my jefa.
Then another time he took me fishing and used me as a floating devise. I was okay with it except all the damn fish kept biting me; it looked like I had roña!” As a man of the barrio I knew how to make this right. I told her, “Would you like to go to the monte; I’m sure you and your pata de palo will feel right at home.” She said, “Yes; you are a real man!”
We made it to the monte and shared the 40 amongst the stars, the moonlight, and the knots on her leg. As our eyes locked in a passionate stare I realized I was going to come full circle as a man. I softly grabbed her neck, leaned her against the mesquite tree, and kissed her hairy lips. She began to moan and groan; to breathe heavily with every passing moment. I grabbed her shoulders and told her, “I’m a real man and I see you feel it.” She replied, “Actually, the ants of the mesquite tree are all over me and biting the shit out of me; muevete menso!”
A moment of passion lost in nature, to nature. As we made our way back I could smell the fish, she had talked about earlier, every time her skirt flew; a couple of ants got me too. I started thinking about my tio OP. Was he going to ask about my night, about his change, did he propose to La Cliqua, was he going to ask for his half of the 40!?
No, of course not; he had taught me well. He wasn’t going to act like a chavala; he was “A Man Of The Barrio.”    
2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 20, 2010 2:15 pm

    Very cool my friend, I wish you the best of luck!

  2. Sylvia permalink
    October 20, 2010 5:36 pm

    OMG Efrain you are awesome! Muevete menso, sounds like something I would say. My friend you are very talented, I wish you all the BEST IN THE WORLD, te lo mereces, mi amigo!

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