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Lupita’s Locuras: Cramping Weed

October 12, 2010

I hate cramps. I get pain, bloating, anxiety, mood swings…EverySingleMonth. Why is such a life-shattering disease ignored? Why no telethons, no organized charities, no 100 mile walks, no PSAs? So not cool.  

I tried Midol, Pamprin, Tylenol. I tried herbal teas. I tried valium, happy pills, tequila–all at the same time. Nothing worked. I ate a gallon of funky chunky chocolate ice cream, a jar of pickles, two carnita burritos, a loaf of banana nut bread and two bags of chicharrones. And I was ready for dinner.

Desperate to fit in my skinny jeans, I went to the medical marijuana clinic–the sobador gave me a prescription–he didn’t want to until I sliced off his pinky finger with a machete; he became very cooperative after that.

The clinic lady said my prescription wasn’t valid–a sobador isn’t a real doctor. I went all chola on her a$$. Pointed the sliced-off sobador finger while I threatened to cut off her fake, rubber chi-chis.

After the police restrained me, they took me away for a psychological evaluation. The psychiatrist said I was a flaming psycho; I told him I suffered from a real disease and that he’d better give me that prescription or I’d pay a cholo to slice his tongue off with a weedeater. 

He agreed. Oh hell yeah, he agreed.

Natural medicine works–I feel much better now. But I’ve got to find another way to fit in my skinny jeans.

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