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THAT’S BARRIO: Pinche Picture Day

October 2, 2010

My mother’s been bugging me for a picture of myself for the longest.  I’m gonna do it since I didn’t get her anything for Mother’s Day.  I made her a grandmother this year so I figured she no longer qualified as a mother.  Honest mistake anybody could’ve made.

I asked her where she’s gonna put my pic after I give it to her.

“I’m gonna unveil it on the TV, during the Superbowl!”

“Hang me up next to The Last Supper.  You know how holy I am!”

I proceeded to bless myself, prayed an Our Father, threw away my crack pipe, my nasty books, my mother’s tamales (contained more sin and made me throw up worse than Regan from The Exorcist), freed two of the girls from my basement, and performed a successful exorcism on my grandmother – releasing all 14 demons, 6 brujas, the devil and Gary Coleman – who each thanked me on their way out, except for Gary.

I then borrowed my father’s coat and tie and my mother’s ice cream truck to go take my picture.  My mother was all happy and sh1t.

I drove directly to the camera place, ran the red light at the intersection and the camera snapped my picture…but I smiled too late.

I made a U-turn, ran another red light and CLICK!  A perfect smile!  But some kid was chasing me with a dollar to buy some ice cream and got in the picture.  Fvcking kid.

I made another U-turn, ran the light and CLICK!  I looked beautiful…and no kid.

I drove straight back to my mother’s…she was on the porch.

“Already?” She asked.

“Yeah.  I would’ve been even faster if I didn’t take those extra pics to get it just right for you.”

“You’re the best son a mother could ever have! When do I get the pictures?!”

“They’re gonna mail them to you.  Happy belated Mother’s Day.”


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