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Lupita’s Locuras

September 24, 2010

I wanted to go to L.A. Ink to get my nalga tatted, but I ain’t gonna show my butt on TV—I got morals.

I wanted a pic of a beautiful Aztec goddess draped across both nalgas in all her glory while covering up those butt zits that never seem to go away. I was gonna look so hot in my bikini thong!

But when I asked how much the tat cost, I fell on my nalgas! You crazy! Don’t tattoo artists know we’re in a recession? Oh, hell no would I spend that. So I did what anyone looking for a discount would do…I went to Home Depot’s parking lot.

I honked my horn, rolled down the window. “Anybody know how to tattoo?”

Twelve homeboys raised their hands. “Can any of you draw an Aztec goddess?”

Eleven homeboys raised their hands. I slid out of the car, bent over and pointed to my butt. “I want the tat on my nalgas—draped over both of them.”

I turned back around. Homeboys had run clear across the parking lot. Only Chuy remained. He was missing three front teeth, an index finger and a thumb.

“Can you draw without fingers?”


“How much?”


“Twenty? Estas loco?”


“Hop in.”

We drove by the sobador to pick up pre-owned tattoo supplies–five bucks—and headed back to my place. I sucked on a bottle of cheap tequila during the four painful hours. Finally, it was over…I was so excited to see it!

I backed into the behind-the-door hanging mirror and saw…

I can’t show you  a pic of my butt ’cause I got morals.

Before I could get my money back, Chuy flew out the window like Chapulin on crack. My pit bull, Killer, waited for him.

Chuy didn’t need that pinky finger either. Not like he would wanna drink a beer all lady-like.

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