Dear Esperanza: Forbidden Love

Dear Esperanza:

I’ve been in a relationship for a while and it’s getting serious—for him anyway. The only reason I’ve stayed with my novio is because I want his best friend—I’m so in love with that man. Swoon!

I’ve tried everything to get him to fall in love with me.  Everything. But he ignores me. He’s too loyal to my novio. 

 One day, he came over to fix my sink when novio wasn’t there—I had the perfect plan. I left the front door ajar, stood in the shower. When the front door swung open, I ran out to greet him naked…only to find my Senior Senor neighbor standing in my living room. His dentures fell out…pobrecito suffered a mini-stroke.

 Senor’s okay now except he gets bug-eyed when he sees me, but I’ll never recover. I was still naked when my dream man arrived. He fixed the sink and didn’t give me a second look.

How do I get my novio’s buddy to love me back?

Triste Tracy 

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Dear Triste Tracy:

This is a horrible, terrible tragedy.

Does it matter that he’s your novio’s best friend? Male bonding is more important than love? That man wants you. He just doesn’t know it yet.

I fell in love with husband #2’s cousin, Antonio. He looked just like my hubby except he was a foot taller, weighed fifty pounds less, and still had hair. But the fool was loyal to his primo. That foolishness had to be dealt with.

I tried everything to seduce him. One time, at a family BBQ, I slipped a roofie in his carne asada. I served him his plate, he took it…but I didn’t realize he had handed it to my abuela.

When I caught abuela humping the ’67 Chevy’s rear bumper, I figured my plan had backfired.

Finally, on a drunken New Year’s Eve, Husband #2 passed out in the laundry room and right before primo passed out, I tasted his elixir.  He didn’t remember a thing. But I did.   

Mucha mecha. Poco fuego.

The lesson here, Triste Tracy, if you gotta pour gasoline on the fire, it wasn’t that hot to begin with.   

Love is a mucho splendored thing.

Fire Lovin’