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CRUISING WITH CORONA: My Little Dumb Valentine

September 6, 2010

When I was little I wanted to give a Valentine’s Day card to this girl I had a crush on in the second grade.

She was hella stupid and was gonna flunk so I had to profess my love to her before I matured and moved on to the third grade.

They were sending her back to kindergarten, changing her age from 7 years-old to 5 years-old, changing her shoe size from a size 4 to a size 2, and making her two inches shorter.

I was at home, “Mom, will you buy me a Valentine’s Day card to give to the love of my life?”

“Sure, mijo.  Sure you don’t want more than one?

“Well, she wants three but I’m only gonna give her one because she can’t count, she’s hella stupid and won’t know the difference.”

“Should I get it in English or Spanish, mijo?”

“She can’t read either, so it doesn’t matter, but not in Chinese because she’ll recognize the style of writing and think it’s Chinese food and wanna eat the card with some chopsticks.”

“How big should I get the card?” My mother asked.

“Little, because she has little pockets and I wanna show her how to use ‘em.  She still don’t know what they’re for and I wanna be the first to show her…I wanna capture her heart.”

My mother bought me a single, little card and I gave it to the love of my life the very next day.

“Wow!” She beamed, “Thank you!  Why so many?!”

“Because you’re worth it.”

“I am?  Does this mean you’ll wait for me?”

“Hell no, you’re hella dumb.  It’s gonna take you forever to get through fourth grade and I honestly don’t even think you will.”

“Then why do you want me to be your valentine?”

“Because you’re so dumb you’re the only one who’ll say yes.”

“Okay, sure I’ll be your valentine!”

I pecked the love of my life on the cheek and never saw her again.  Last I heard she was moved back to pre-school and instead of riding a school bus to school, her mother pushed her in a stroller and her feet and hands dragged hella much.


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