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THAT’S BARRIO: Barrio Bride

September 4, 2010

I went to this wedding where the bride got married in white…she should’a gotten married in jet black.

The Priest asked her if she’d take the groom to be her husband.

While smacking her gum, she answered, “Hell yeah, this is my man, for reals.  I swear I’ll never cheat on you again, Julio, like I did all the time when we were going steady because now this is serious.  You believe me, don’t you?”

She blowed a bubble, popped it.

Stupid a$$ Julio, “Uh-huh.”

The Priest cleared his throat, asked the inevitable question, “Do you, Julio, take this woman to be your wife?  To love and to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health, even though she’s gonna cheat on you?”

Half the people in attendance shouted, “No!  No seas wey!”

The bride’s mother, under her breath, “She’s a skank, don’t be stupid, Julio.”

The bride’s father, under his breath, “I’m sorry I gave her to you, Julio.  I should’ve tripped her when I walked her down the aisle and maybe she would’ve hit her head and gotten amnesia and forgotten she was supposed to get  married to you.  I should kill myself.”

The Priest leaned over, whispered to Julio, “She’s gonna cheat on you, homeboy, for real, don’t do it.”

The Priest leaned back, “Do you take her, Julio?”

Without any hesitation, “Uh-huh.”

“I now pronounce you man and wife until she cheats and you catch her on your honeymoon, in your bed next to you.  Congratulations!”

They new bride and groom kissed and I knew Julio was tasting Pablo because Pablo had just given the bride something borrowed twenty minutes before the ceremony.

The newlywed couple then walked out and everyone threw rice and condoms at them.

Julio studied the condoms, “I don’t use condoms!”

Everyone shouted back, “They’re not for you!”


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