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Refried Spilt Beans

September 1, 2010

Lupita, Barrio Goddess

Turn down the novelas, put down your Modelos and cop a squat. I’m about to refry the news of the week. Hand me la manteca.

 

Body Graffiti

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Jesse James, Sandra Bullock’s former cheating man, hooks up with Kat Von D, tatted queen of West Hollywood!

You think she tatted the “smile now” on her panocha and the “cry later” on her culo, too?

I Sharpied my stretch marks once. After eight hours of tracing, I looked just like Kat. I’m gonna do it again so I can find a Tiger Woods of my own. Up until now, my tigers’ roars were on loan.

Busted Boba

Something ain’t right with this boba’s story.

Boba, Paris Hilton, and her bobettes get busted by a cop in their Escalade. The bobette-mobile reeks of pot. Boba asks the cop to go to the bathroom. He lets her. Then she asks the cop for her purse so she can get her lip balm. He gives it to her. When she reaches inside for her lip balm, a bag of coke drops in his hand.

The last time I was detained by a cop, my water broke. The cop said, “Step away from the puddle.” He didn’t let me give birth to the twins until after I was booked and me and the twins were fingerprinted.

But that ain’t the crazy part…

There was .8 grams of coke in boba’s purse. Who cares? She had $1,300 in cash. In her purse. That’s some crazy boba sh1t right there. If the Barrio goddess ran around with that kinda’ feria, I’d be the Boba goddess of the barrio and for sure get jacked.

How does a boba even remember her PIN number?

Oh, yeah, when it’s for buying coke. No es tan boba.

TMZ reports that Slash filed for divorce and it’s gonna get ugly.

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It’s gonna get hella ugly. Homegirl’s name is “Perla”. Chica’s gonna slash Slash until he bleeds out.

Go, girl!

And Perla don’t got no prenup. Neither did I. When I caught Payaso riding my neighbor like a jockey in the Kentucky Derby, I told everybody. The puta’s husband, her parents, her madrina, Payaso’s parents, his madrina, his tia…those two still have bruises from the chanclasos.

While the two were getting bitch-slapped, I swiped his oldies collection, his autographed Santana album, his tools, his clothes, cleaned out the $58.00 in the savings account, the $210 gambling money hidden in his stinky chucks and his homies collection.

Slash better grab his instrument ‘cause homegirl’s gonna string his guitar.

Refried con sabor!  Buen Provecho!

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