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Dear Esperanza: DWI Love

August 25, 2010

Dear Esperanza:

My husband is the nicest, sweetest, most considerate man alive. Except when he drinks.

He becomes a stranger–an angry, bitter, stupid stranger.

I dread the weekends. He starts drinking right after work on Friday and keeps drinking through Sunday with the excuse of nursing an ongoing cruda.

This last weekend was the ugliest ever. I got angry. It was like taunting a hungry bear—you’re gonna get mauled.

I’ve spoken to him. Threatened him. Begged him. But he won’t stop.

I’m going to leave him—the love of my life. I will forever suffer a broken heart. But I can’t live like this anymore.

It’s too late for advice. I just hope those who suffer through the same heartache see the light.

Broken-hearted in the Barrio

**

Dear Corazon de Melon:

This is a horrible, terrible tragedy.

Snap out of it! Women have the power—men just don’t know it. Yet.

My Husband #3 drank. He and tequila loved to hang out on the weekends. But I don’t do threesomes (not anymore anyway).

Once alcohol mixed in with that fool’s feeble little mind, he thought he was John McClane & Pancho Villa rolled into one.

He’d get bossy, belligerent, unruly, savage. A total animal. That didn’t bother me so much. But he made love like El Chapulin Colorado.

That bothered me a lot.

I needed a solution. So I went to go see abuelita—she was an herbalist in the campo. Her potent organic yerbas are powerful enough to grow back your virginity—I lost mine five times.

She gave me this special yerba called SacaSuMacho, specially grown to control your man.

When Abuelo saw her snatch the herb out of the wall safe, he broke down and cried. I love my abuelita.

The following day, husband #3 came home sh1tfaced. I dropped a little SacaSuMacho in his tequila—when the two are mixed, the chemical properties cause hallucinations, submission, a lisp, a limp wrist and a strong desire to walk on tippy toes.

The Youtube video went viral in 24 hours. His homies watched him dance ballet to Chente in the cutest tu-tu. SacaSuMacho became SacaSuJoto. Adorable.

But his construction homies didn’t like it much. They beat the crap out of him. He swore off booze once he was released from the ICU.

Problem was, he lost that Pancho Villa, John McClane animal thang. All he wanted to do was cuddle. So I dumped him. Boring is unacceptable, too.

Love is a mucho splendored thing.

You’ve got the power…

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