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MIJA: You Hella Dirty and Nasty

August 5, 2010

“Daddy, I wanna save the ozone layer, earth and all of mankind!  I wanna get dirty and nasty against all evil forces!”

“That’s wonderful, mija.  Why don’t you start by saving your dirty, nasty room?”

“What do you mean, daddy?”

“Please don’t fvcking let her lay on me no more!” Shouted her bed, “She hasn’t made me in months and she pi$$es on me every night!  Sometimes twice a night!”

“Twice a night, mija?”

“He’s lying, daddy!”

I eyeballed the pee stains, “Miiijaaa?”

“Okay — sometimes.”

That’s hella nasty.

“Somebody give her a fvcking vacuum for Christmas!” Screamed the carpet, “She hasn’t vacuumed me in months and she dances on me with no rhythm whatsoever!”

“No rhythm, mija?”

“That’s a lie, daddy!”

I put on some old school and told her to dance…she did…it hurt to watch.

“I think you owe the carpet an apology.”

“But it’s a carpet, daddy.”


“I’m sorry, carpet.  You’re right, daddy.  I need to start by cleaning my room.  I’m gonna start by wiping off all that filth off of my mirror right now.”

“Will I be able to see your face clearly if you do that?” I asked her.

“Of course, daddy.  You’ll be able to see two of my beautiful little faces.”

“You know what?” I said, “Screw your room.  The world and mankind need you!  Go save ’em — now!”


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