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MIJA: Dressed to be Killed

June 3, 2010

The shoe-salesman said mija wore a size four shoe.

“Hell nah!” I said, “She wears a size two!  Her feet are tall, but they’re cute!”

“But, Sir, with the length and width of her feet, she won’t ever fit in a—”

“She’s a two!”

He reluctantly nodded okay and with a little help from a blow torch and the body-builders next door, they stretched open a pair of size two, green, high-top Converse tennis shoes, stuffed mija’s feet inside and tied the shoelaces in that cool diamond pattern.

“See, she’s a two?  Where’s your girl dresses at?”

“This way,” the Manager said, “Your daughter wears a size twelve.”

“Are you fvcking crazy?!  She’s a five!”

“But, Sir, there is absolutely no way with your daughter’s weight and body shape that she would ever fit in a—”

“She’s a five!”

The manager reluctantly set out a size five dress and with a little help from the state’s tug-o-war champions on one side and the runners-up on the other side, they pulled open the dress and mija stuffed herself inside of it.

“See?” I told the manager, “And she just finished eating my super burrito after she ate hers.  Where’s your deodorant?”

“Follow me,” the manager said, “She’ll need anti-perspirant.”

“You really are fvcking nuts, aren’t you?  She only sweats when she’s stressed.  Quit stressing her out!  C’mon, mija.”

I headed towards the deodorant but noticed mija didn’t follow me.  When I looked back, she was gasping for air, couldn’t take a step forward and was sweating profusely.

“We ain’t never coming back to this store!” I shouted, “Where do I fill out a complaint form?!”


2 Comments leave one →
  1. pUnKiE permalink
    June 3, 2010 3:31 pm

    OK now thats funny!

  2. ScreenWriter Consortium permalink
    June 3, 2010 6:04 pm

    Thank you, pUnKiE!

    Hope you enjoy the jams this weekend.


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