DEAR ESPERANZA: Foreplay? Really?

Yo, Esperanza…sup?

I got this problem, man…it sucks. My hyna, she won’t give me no affection. All she wants is sex. No foreplay, no romance, no talking. She jumps my bones then takes off like nothing.

I feel used, man. Like some kind of whore. All she wants is my body. It’s effed up.

So last night, I picked up her favorite wet burritos, lit a candle and dressed in my purple zoot suit while Cypress Hill jammed a romantic rap. She jumped my bones, ate her burrito and took off.

I love my hyna. But this ain’t right. How ‘bout some foreplay, woman!

Lil’ Spooky 

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Dear If-your-name-is-Lil’-that-may-be-the-problem:

This is a horrible, terrible tragedy.

I once dated a man who had no consideration for my feelings. He never talked to me. Never cuddled. Never romanced me. All he wanted was sex—sweaty, hot sex.

I loved that man!

For our third hot-date anniversary, I prepared a romantic dinner—chorizo, eggs, soft tacos and a banana & papaya soufflé—but there was no need. He tackled me the minute he walked through the door. What a man! 

And that foreplay silliness? Foreplay is best AFTER hot luvin’. Like eating dessert before dinner. It’s sinful, decadent and Hawt! Foreplay before sex is an urban myth invented by women who don’t want it. The women who do, like Moi’, can’t be bothered with distractions. Get to the point already.

And all this business about communicating with your partner? What for? The only reason to talk to a man is to get him into bed.

Will men talk about the stuff I’m interested in? Like hair, nails, sales and implants? If I wanna talk, I talk to my homegirls and gay homies. Now that’s stimulating conversation. I’m not gonna pretend I care about football unless I’m really, really horny. Ain’t nothing stimulating about football unless a football player tackles me.

So Lil’ one (let’s hope not)…get over it and treat your woman right. You know what she wants. Keep your mouth shut and give it to her!

Love is a mucho splendored thing.

You know she wants you…Ella quiere su rumba…