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March 29, 2010

Dear Esperanza:

I had been dating this girl for a while, she’s shy and sweet and I really like her. She’s not like those wild and flirty girls, she’s a good girl. I felt like we could get serious.   

Last night, we got past kissing and I got her into bed…and all hell broke loose–I mean demonic possession kinda stuff.  

She drooled, growled, howled, clawed…I mean wow…she scared me. I tried to stay cool but then she slapped my nalgas—over and over again. I haven’t gotten spanked since I was five years old. Freaked me out!

After that, I couldn’t perform. I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life. She was cool about it, but she gave me that I’m-gonna-get-you-no-matter-what look.  I’m still scared.

I like her, but I don’t think I can take her wild side…I mean, what’s a homie to do? How can homegirl’s personality change so much in bed?

Scared Shitless


Dear what-are-you-crazy?

This is a horrible, terrible tragedy.

Mijo, haven’t you heard? It’s always the “quiet ones.”

I bet your girl reads a lot—not fashion magazines–those big, fat, heavy books with hard covers and stuff. Her skirt reaches down to her bony knees, and those little eyeglasses disguise the lust in her eyes. Yeah, I know the type. Slutty serious.

I had a smart boyfriend once. I wasn’t into him so much until he showed me this book, the Kamasutra. It had pictures—pictures I could get into. We couldn’t do all the poses, though—some are meant for bony-assed girls. No way my meaty, voluptuous body bends like that.    

Anyway, he was part of this study group, and there was this chica in the group—I knew what she was about. Talking big vocabulary, no makeup, wouldn’t wax her mustache—she couldn’t fool me. A chica who doesn’t wear makeup can’t be trusted.

One night, geek boyfriend said he couldn’t try the back-flip Kamasutra move ‘cause he had to study…I knew something was up. I sneaked into the library—don’t ask what I had to do to the librarian to get inside—and caught hairy-lipped, vocabulary slut riding my geek like Pancho Villa into the sunset.  

I slapped her upside her head, knocked her glasses off, crushed them under my stilettos. Then I grabbed my geek and gave him a Kamasutra move he’ll never forget. He should wake up from his coma any day now.

Party girls are so much more honorable.

Back to El Bobo de la Yuca…

Deep down in every chica, there’s a puta fighting to come out. In my case, the puta in me came out during my quinceañera party, but I digress…

Women have animalistic desires—even more than men. But because we like the chase, we hold back—sometimes too long then menopause hits and it’s a mess—nevertheless, the lion always roars.

Men are powerless. Accept it. Succumb. You have nowhere to run. Lift your hairy nalgas to the sky and enjoy the ride.

Love is a mucho splendored thing.

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