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MIJA: Who’s Your Fvcking Hero?

March 15, 2010

Mija said her teacher asked her who her hero was.

“What the fvck did you say?” I politely asked after burping some beer.

“George Lopez,” she replied.

“Are you fvcking serious?” I almost inhaled my joint with that answer.

Holding in the chronic, “Why didn’t you say me, mija?”

“Because you really haven’t done anything, daddy.”

I exhaled in her face, “Are you fvcking delirious?!”

I then snorted a line of coke from one end of the table to the other, cleared my head and asked, “You see that?  One snort.  Can Georgie do that?”

“I don’t think so, daddy.”

“Did you steal what I asked you to?”

“Yes, daddy.”

She pulled out two quarts of motor oil, two Big Macs, a Rubics Cube and a report card with straight A’s.

“Good girl.  Now change Jenny’s name on the report card to yours and hang it up on the ‘fridge.  Can Georgie get you straight A’s?”

“No.”

“Who’s your hero now?”

“You are, daddy.”

“Damn, you got the wrong motor oil.  Go steal some more.  You know what?  Fvck it, just steal me a car.”

She didn’t move.

“Go.”

As she left, “A two-door!  With nice rims!  If it don’t have a stereo, steal one from another car and put it in mine!  If a cop shines the light on you, just drive straight to jail!”

Corona

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