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February 7, 2010


Dear Esperanza: 

I’m going crazy. My husband doesn’t want sex anymore. We have three kids and whenever we’re finally alone, all he wants is beer and sports, sports and beer. I even wore my Lane Bryant thong, strutted in front of the TV and the man shooshed me away! Help me, por favor. 

Lolita, la horny

Dearest horny Lolita:

This is a horrible, terrible tragedy.

When our men lose interest, we women suffer so much. Somehow, we must fight the urge to wear polyester, pour rubbing alcohol all over our bodies, light a match and… set ourselves on fire—while filming our despair on youtube.   

I’ll share with you a secret recipe, handed down for chica generations, guaranteed to give you frequent, out-of-this-world,  hot & sweaty nookie. 

  1. Make sure your mustache is waxed. Men really, really hate your mustache tangling with theirs.
  2. A bushy chocha is no longer fashionable.  Time to mow jungle.
  3. If your belly hangs over your chocha, wear a chocha-less faja underneath your lingerie to lift and separate.
  4. Shave your legs…now. Also a good time to clip those crazy hairs growing out of your chin mole. 
  5. Wear a blonde wig, high heels, and semi-see-through, full-body lingerie…lumpy cellulite can’t be seen through lace.
  6. Never show yourself naked. Never. His pito will get frightened and droop like a fideo.
  7. No need to stick out your culo if your hip measurements exceed 52 inches.
  8. Never get on top. The loss of oxygen might make him lose consciousness.
  9. Luckily, big tetas are stylish. Take advantage of the trend.
  10. Turn off power by the main circuit breaker. Pretend to call the power company then tell him the power will return in an hour. Or don’t pay the electric bill, whichever you prefer.

No TV, no bright lights and an hour with nothing to do. Guaranteed nookie.

And if my recipe doesn’t work…try a traditional method—the blue pill.

And if that doesn’t work, time to find a book of matches.

Amor is a mucho splendored thing.


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